TRUE BLOG! VOLUME 2, SEASON 5, EPISODE 3: “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

“Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?! IT’S MAGGOT FOX TIME!!!

When we last left our deep, compelling characters… wait, wrong show.

Oh goodie. We’re starting this episode with Tara. I wonder if Vamp Tara will be less annoying that plain Tara? So far she’s less annoying, but just as boring. She’s currently exploring her new, enhanced senses. I think? Oh, I think Tara’s about to eat somebody. Yup.

When you came in the air went out… and every shadow filled up with doubt… I don’t know who you think you are but before this night is through… I wanna do bad things with you… MAGGOT FOX!

Nope. Tara didn’t go through with it. Because apparently Tara is some kind of super vampire that is totally in control of her abilities immediately after becoming a vampire. HOW BORING.

The Authority… group? Is the group the Authority? Or is Christopher Meloni the Authority? Confusing. The council authority group thing is discussing what to do with Bill and Eric. Bic. Erill. Whatever. They’re pissed that Edgington’s not dead. Which is fair. Bic has a history of not following orders. Christopher Meloni just referred to the group as “chancellors”, which is what they were called last week, but I forgot. Meloni is upset because burying Edgington most likely the worst thing you could do to him, since now he’s going to be even more pissed off than he was in Season 3. This also makes a lot of sense. Meloni eventually decides to let Erill try their hand at capturing Edgington once again, and then he says “Send in the new Nan Flanagan”. IT’S VAMPIRE PREACHER!!!!!! Nice twist.

Fangtasia. Sookie’s bugging Pam. Pam’s SPEED TEXTING! Great use of vampire powers. Anyways, Sookie’s still talking and I JUST CAN’T CARE! Even if Sookie’s arguments make sense, I don’t want them to because I HATE HER. Something about summoning Tara blah blah blah. “**** TARA AND **** YOU!” YES PAM! You ALWAYS say what we’re all thinking. Pam throws Sookie into a table. Sookie blasts Pam with faery powers because REMEMBER THAT!? Sookie storms out. Good fight guys.

Yay. Sam. Oh YAY! Tara! TARA ATTACK SAM! DO IT!

So Pastor Vampire is on PR duty. He thinks humans are idiots. Meloni is not impressed. He views humans as ancestors. So… Meloni ISN’T bad? Okay. He is kind of mean though. Confusing.

Hey! It’s that girl from ANDRE! The seal movie! And Veronica Mars! She’s strapping Bic in… did she just say “iStake”? Wow. How CURRENT! There’s an APP FOR THAT! IF THE ERILL TRIES TO DO SOMETHING STUPID, THEY USE THEIR IPHONE TO STAKE THEM!!! THIS SHOW GUYS! THIS SHOW!!!

I’m not going to lie to you guys… this blog is not a very good recap. These plots are becoming too complex for me to accurately convey them in snarky terms. So if you don’t know what’s going on… good. Keep it that way.

So Sookie and LaFayette are WHATEVER! THEY’RE STILL WORRYING ABOUT TARA! IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR THE NEXT 9 EPISODES?! Tara’s downing True Blood’s at Merlotte’s. Because who cares?

Andy Bellefleur’s ass is on Facebook. Oh great… Debbie’s parents are in town.

Jason’s buying pickles. And now he’s hitting on… a teacher? “Last I heard you moved to Indiana to marry a podiatrist.” “A psychiatrist…” OH JASON! DON’T EVER CHANGE! OH MY GOSH THEY TOTALLY HAD SEX! I mean… when Jason was in school. Oh boy this show OH BOY!

Terry is now arguing with Arlene and I DON’T CARE! Seriously, by episode 6, this blog is just going to be 3,000 BLAH’s. Terry’s going away with Patrick to do… something. Sookie and LaFayette are STILL looking for Tara because we ALL CARE SOOOO MUCH. Sookie’s like “Hey Sam, you see Tara last night?” Sam’s like “NOPE!” and then Sookie starts reading his mind and Sam’s like “Boobs, boobs, look at her boobs!” HAHAHA. Apparently Tara’s in the walk-in freezer. Turns out Sam is on Sookie’s side. He wishes he had given his brother Tommy and second chance. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW AWFUL VAMPIRE TOMMY WOULD BE? UGH! Sam, you did the right thing. And now Sookie goes “Can I give you a hug without you thinking about my boobs?” and Sam goes “Probably not.” What a Jason thing to say. Am I right guys? Geez, this show. Now LaFayette has to make sure that nobody opens the freezer. Oh boy. How exciting.

And… Pam flashback because why not? “The chink, we call her Rubber Ruby.” She can put her leg all the way back. THIS SHOW! Eric is perusing the brothel. Oh look, Bill and his maker are in this episode. It’s like they’re trying to replicate the Angel/Spike/Darla/Drusilla dynamic from the Buffyverse, but it’s just not working. Haha, Pam wants $500 for every girl that the vampires drained. Good business woman. No wonder she’s in charge of Fangtasia. So… we’re seeing these flashbacks because… Pam… misses Eric? And the show feels that it’s time for us to learn… her backstory? It just seems so random. HAHA, am I legitimately trying to analyze this show? No. No I’m not.

Jason’s having tea with his teacher. Her cat is called Prince Charming. She’s quizzing Jason on his past relationships. “One died right next to me, one was married to a gay preacher, Crystal was a… let’s not even go there. Right now I’m **** buddies with the love of my best friend’s life, who’s a teenage vampire”. Well, when you put it that way Jason… Yup, they totally had grade-school sex. No wonder Jason’s so screwed up. Apparently she taught him sex. And… now he’s putting his hand up her skirt. Wow, this show just… declines perpetually.

Debbie’s parents are now interrogating Alcide. Yay. Alcide. The most interesting character on this show. Debbie’s parents are pissed off that Alcide “abjured” her. Remember that guys? This show. Let me tell you, there is no love lost between Debbie’s parents and Alcide.

Andy’s interrogating Sookie on Debbie’s whereabouts. Is this really what this season is about? REALLY? Guys, remember when LaFayette’s boyfriend died like… A DAY AGO!? And his body went MISSING!? And nobody CARES?! “ARLENE, these beans is coated in titties in a brass bra! Come on naw, ****!” What does that even mean LaFayette?!  Andy’s now talking to his “girlfriend?” Holly about his bum on Facebook. Does she want to “take whatever this is to the next level”? SHE DOES! THEY’RE GOING STEADY! CUUUUUUTTTTEEEE!

Yup. Jason had sex with his teacher. “I got half a box of wine in the freezer. Want some?” Okay, so get this… Jason realizes AFTER sleeping with his teacher AGAIN that having sex with her back in school? It WAS a mistake AFTERALL! Haha. What does it say about this show that this is the weirdest plotline? IT SAYS A LOT!

Back to Bic and Erill. They’re meeting with that one girl chancellor… her name is… Celery? Is that what she said? And she was the beheader of John the Baptist? This show is so biblical now. Apparently the human Bible is little better than US Weekly though. So maybe not so biblical. I’m not recapping Celery’s history because honestly I don’t think it’s important and I’m not really clear on what she’s talking about… sex with her uncle or something? Apparently she’s a Bible character. Should I know this? The Guardian. Apparently that’s what they call Meloni. Apparently Celery has been following Bill’s “political career” for quite some time. She admires his heart. The other vampires are too jaded for Celery. So she’s going to help Bill… because something about him moves her. There’s a boner joke in here somewhere BUT I’M TOO GOOD FOR THAT! This show, on the other hand, isn’t… because Bill is currently “staking her” with some wood of his own. YES I WENT THERE!!!

Jessica’s out dress shopping. She’s cute. The girl who works at the store is telling her that Jason is a slut. And Jessica just bitch-slapped her with words. Jessica is easily the best character on this show. A guy walks into the shop. He has 16 sisters. Jessica bursts out of the dressing room and exclaims “You smell awesome! What are you?” Her dress isn’t fully on. The guy takes off. Jessica takes off after him. WHAT IS GOING ON!? She can smell him EVERYHWERE?! Just wait… he’s going to end up being the grass or something.

Oh wow… Hoyt’s gothing it up at Fangtasia. Way to get back at Jessica Hoyt. Why don’t you go join Green Day while you’re at it? OOO, flashback time. Pam and Eric are sleeping together. Pam is asking him to make her a vampire. Silly Pam. You know what Pam wants to be a vampire? Because she’s going to become a pariah. Apparently women in her position die alone and diseased. Then why did you become a… female pimp? What are they even called? A Hostelier. Eric’s explaining the nature of the maker/make(?) relationship. It’s closer than any marriage apparently. Oh what? She just cut herself! She’s forcing his hand! He can turn her or watch her die. Oh Pam. You’ve always been a handful, haven’t you?

Eric is now meeting with Chancellor Salami. Wait… I was calling her Celery, wasn’t I? Whatever. I think it’s Salami. They’re talking about Nora. Remember? She’s Eric’s sister who he sleeps with. Apparently Salami wants to help Eric help Nora. She was… Nora’s mentor or something. Ugh, it’s so hard to pay attention to this show. Oh boobs. Well played HBO. I guess Salami is a bit of a whore. She’s sleeping with Bill AND Eric.

Nora’s being tortured. Wow, Nora’s got a mouth on her. The interrogator thinks that she betrayed the Authority out of love. “Which one, Bill or Eric?” she asks. “Or both? Now that is a sandwich I’d take a bite out of anytime…” Ugh, she sounds like Sookie. Oh no! She’s going to go activate their iStakes! That gets Nora talking. She apparently does believe that humans should all die and that Lilith will rise from the blood? SO MUCH IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW! EVEN MY ADD CAN’T KEEP UP!

Jessica’s at Jason’s house. Apparently the guy’s blood smelled like cotton candy, fresh baked bread, and sex. And now they’re making out. Jason stops her. And then they start again. But Jason just isn’t into it. He’s not some mechanical bull that she can come and ride on anytime she feels like it! He’s got a hole inside of him that he fills with sex! And apparently sleeping with his teacher is what made him realize that. See? ALL OF THESE STORYLINES HAVE A PURPOSE! Aw… Jason says that he doesn’t know how to be friends with a girl… and Jessica tells him to shut up, because he already is. She’s such a sweetheart.

UGH I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT TARA! Arlene just walked into the freezer. DID YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGN ARLENE?! Tara grabs her, bites her, and it’s a dream. Of course it is. Tara wakes up and LaFayette is offering her True Blood. And she’s pissed because Tara. Meanwhile, Alcide is interrogating Sookie about Debbie. WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS INTERROGATING EVERYONE ELSE? Or maybe I’m just using that word a lot. Alcide’s pissed that Sookie is being so nonchalant about everything. “There’s nothing going on Alcide!” and then BOOM, Tara throws LaFayette out of the freezer. Everyone rushes to the back room and Tara steps out of the freezer. Sookie’s plays it smoothly: “Tara, what are you doing in there?!” “Seriously Sookie? This is your plan? To pretend none of it happened?” Oh snap. Those are probably the best lines to exit Tara’s mouth in the last 8 seasons. Tara wants to rip out everyone’s throats. I kind of like this new Tara. DON’T TELL ANYONE!

Eric and Bill are in an elevator kissing and telling. “What, you too?” Heh. I like Bill and Eric’s buddy cop scenes. Now Meloni is talking to naked Salami about Bill and Eric. Apparently this was all a plan to discover whether or not Bill and Eric were “Sanguinista”, which is what they call those vampires who hate the humans and Lilith and stuff. Meloni tells her that Nora confessed and she calls him ROMAN?! THAT’S HIS NAME! Salami is like “Maybe we should stop trying to mainstream” and Meloni’s like “NO! It’s WORKING!” and Salami’s like “No… they’re rising up against you!” and now she’s having sex with a third guy in as many minutes it seems like.

Back to Merlotte’s because this show STILL isn’t over yet. Arlene does not approve of LaFayette’s decision. “I hear you… I’m standing right cheer,” he says, “the gumbo ain’t ready yet now get the **** UP OUT MY KITCHEN!” “SHAME ON YOU LAFAYETTE!” Oh snap. LaFayette just poured bleach into the gumbo. IT WAS THE BOOGIEMAN WHO DID IT! Jesus’ thing… GOSH I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS SHOW! REMEMBER THE THING FROM LAST SEASON THAT POSSESSED JESUS AND LAFAYETTE AND MARNIE?! IT’S BACK! BECAUSE WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PLOTLINES ALREADY!!! And Sookie just told Alcide that she killed Debbie. Alcide is PISSED. Good. I hope he kills her. I like it when every character turns against Sookie. I LOVE IT.

Tara’s wandering around all bloody and pissed off. Please just kill a main character Tara. That’s what I want. Oh snap. Tara’s breaking into a tanning salon! She’s going to commit UV SUICIDE! KILLING YOURSELF WORKS TOO TARA!!! I’LL TAKE THAT! She turns it on… and starts smoking. And Pam just felt it. Oh no. “You stupid bitch.” Pam, don’t save her!

Will Pam save Tara? Are we ever going to find out what Jessica smelled? Will Salami stop sleeping with people? Am I ever going to stop calling Meloni Meloni? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK ON ANOTHER EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF TRUE BLOG!!!!!

Word Count: 2,329 (IT’S GETTING SHORTER!!! LIKE BY A LITTLE BIT! I’M BETTER THIS WEEK!)

 

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