NEW GAME! NEW RULES! NEW SURPRISES!!!!
AAHHHHHH!!!! IT’S BLLLOOOOGGGGG BROTHER!!!!
That’s right. You lucky ducks are in for another summer full of annoyance, hate, sadness, and soul-sucking nonsense. AREN’T YOU EXCITED!?
The ads for this season told me to expect the following: FOUR SURPRISES! ONE GAME-CHANGING TWIST! Yeah, we’ll see. Let’s get started, shall we?
So, right off the bat we’re told that 4 house guests will return NOT to compete, but to COACH! TWIST! I’m not really sure what that means or how it’ll play out, but I’m sure I’ll know soon enough. Time to meet the house guests for the very first time. I LOVE MAKING SNAP JUDGEMENTS ON FIRST IMPRESSIONS!
Frank – Unemployed surfer dude who wants to go down as one of the greatest players ever. Fine I guess.
Danielle – She’s a cute southern nurse. She may be a favorite of mine for no discernible reason. We’ll see.
Shane – Flips houses for a living. None of them have sold. Ladies, we’ve got a WINNER!
Jodi – Here’s your mandatory black person. She’s extremely active and has 5 children who are not her own. WILL SHE BE THE HOUSE MOTHER?!
Ian – Chemical engineering student. NERD! He thinks his high IQ will let him win. May I remind you that Porsche and Rachel were the finalists last summer?
Wil – Stereotypical, mandatory gay guy from the south. Oh joy. His hair is ridiculous.
Jojo – Slut from New York. Did I say slut? I meant Sicilian street smart… person. Love her or hate her guys, LOVE HER OR HATE HER!
Willie – Russell Hantz’s brother (the Survivor villain). LOL. I wish they had just put Russell on the show.
Kara – The model. 100% single. She’s going on this show to date. I hope she ends up with Ian. Classic model/nerd storyline.
Joe – Professional chef. He can make slop taste like filet mignon.
Jenn – From the all-female metal band… Kitty? Apparently they went platinum. Which is why she’s on Big Brother, right? Proud gay woman. LOVE HER OR HATE HER GUYS!
Ashley – Spray-tan technician. Let that sink in for a moment. Done? She graduated from a Big 10 school, so you know… that’s why she sprays tans on people. She’s going to be annoying. She likes the nerdy guys. UH OH, COMPETITION FOR KARA! CAT FIGHT (please).
Well, now that the introductions are out of the way… Wil, Ashley, Jodi, and Frank enter first. The house is colorful this year. Wil declares that it’s the year of the hair. Joy. Like, this house is really colorful. Ian, Shane, Jenn, and Danielle enter next. Guys, I missed this house. Can I say that? Can I tell you that I missed this house? Because I did. Willie, Joe, Kara, and Jojo enter last. YOU GUYS GET THE CRAPPY ROOM PROBABLY! Oh wow, Jojo is already a frontrunner for the most annoying person EVER.
Time for everyone to introduce themselves, but we, the viewer, already know everyone! Annndddd… Danielle’s the first one to lie about her profession. She’s now a kindergarten teacher. Forget the nurse thing. The silence after Ashley says “I’m a mobile spray-tanner” was great. And Ian is Ashley’s type. This is going to be fuuunnnnyyyy… Hopefully. Frank is unemployed, and that goes over well. IAN LIKES KARA! I AM SO INVESTED IN THIS LOVE TRIANGLE!!!! Danielle’s going for Shane. LOVE IS IN THE AIR! WOOOOOOO!!!! But uh oh… Willie wants to shake things up. VILLAIN!!! LIKE BROTHER LIKE BROTHER, AMIRIGHT?!
So… Big Brother has taken a page from The Voice – each house guest is going to be coached one of four returning houseguests. Julie keeps calling them “the best”. Each coach will pick their team of three, JUST LIKE IN THE SUCCESSFUL NBC PROGRAM “THE VOICE” AND THE NOT-AS-SUCCESSFUL FOX PROGRAM “THE CHOICE”. So let’s meet the coaches:
Dan (Winner of Big Brother 10) – Dan’s wife is gorgeous. BEFITTING OF A NOBLE BIG BROTHER WINNER! I think I liked Dan in his season. Can’t really remember.
Janelle (3rd in Big Brother 6 and 3rd in Big Brother 7/All-Stars) – I can’t remember if I liked Janelle or not. I remember really liking Will and I remember Will really liking Janelle. So… My judgement is clouded.
Britney (4th in Big Brother 12) – I LOVE BRITNEY! I LOOOOVVVEEEE BRITNEY!!! I love her so much that I follow her on Twitter.
Mike “Boogie” (8th in Big Brother 2 and winner of Big Brother 7/All-Stars) – BOOGIE’S BACK! I think I’m excited about this. But I wish I had gotten Will back instead of his two closest allies.
I’m trying to figure out who I’d want to coach me… I think I’d want Boogie. I think he’ll be the best coach. We’ll see. Oh, who am I kidding… I’d totally want Britney. BUT SHE’S MARRIED!!!! UGGGHHHH!!!
Time to tell the house guests about the twist. They are all so shocked, but not really, because EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! Everyone’s hugging and talking and like “I’m SUCH a big fan! SUCH a big FAN!” Willie’s still trying to keep it under wraps that he’s Russell’s brother. Is it really that big of a deal dude? You’re his relative, not him.
TIME FOR TWIST #2 (I guess)! For the first time in Big Brother history, someone is going home in the very first episode. But first, the coaches must pick their players. Annndddd, here are the teams:
Britney: Shane, Willie, Jojo
Boogie: Frank, Ian, Jenn
Janelle: Wil, Ashley, Joe
Dan: Kara, Danielle, Jodi
Interesting. Each team has some very different people. Britney’s got Shane, Willie, and Jojo? Wow. Those are 3 people who I KNOW will get along well. I think Boogie picked his team fairly well, although I’m concerned about Jenn. Boogie’s a social player and I don’t think that that’s where Jenn is going to shine, but I also have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA! Janelle’s team is EASILY the most annoying, but Janelle is there coach, so IT ALL MAKES SENSE. And then we have Dan’s Angels, the only all women team. Good luck buddy.
CHALLENGE TIME! Team challenge (has that ever happened outside of reward challenges?)! The coach of the last place team will have to choose someone to leave. Like, say… any of the 4 last picks? So, this is a bedtime themed challenge. The house guests must run across wobbling, spinning, and tilting mattresses to collect a big teddy bear. If they fall, they go back to the start and the next person goes. Each person must collect one bear. After 20 minutes, the coaches are allowed to substitute a player. Once they get all three teddy bears, they cross the mattresses once more and hit the nightlight. Apparently if you make it to the teddy bears and then fall off, you only have to go back to the bear pit. And, in the tradition of these live blogs, my description of the game makes no sense unless you’ve seen the episode. ENJOY!
Ashley thinks it’s like a real life version of Frogger. She is a weird person. Britney’s already being her usual snarky self, which I adore. Surprisingly, her team is doing pretty well. So well in fact that they won! Janelle comes in second. Boogie comes in third. And Dan’s Angels are the LOSERS!!! Britney chooses Willie as the first HoH of the summer, which is… interesting. I was not expecting that, mostly because the other 3 are aware of who he is. I guess keeping it a secret was the smart move. Now Dan has to remove a player. And it’s JODI! Of course he keeps the two cute girls. THE CUTNESS MUST LAST ALL SUMMER LONG!
Alright, well… that’s about it. I’m not going to bother getting “serious” about the game at this point since the first week is always a crap-shoot, so… I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE 1,300+ WORDS!!!
TO. BE. CONTINUUUUEEEDDDD…