Blog Brother Episode 30 – There Is, However, A Life Manual

Bum bum bum… IT’S. HERE. THE SEASON FINALE OF BLLOOOGGGG BROOOTTTHHHEERRR!!! Who else thought we’d get here? SOMETIMES I WASN’T SURE GUYS! But here we are. Time to see who will be crowned winner of Big Brother 14.

Part one of the final HoH. Let’s do this. Apparently right before Shane was evicted, he asked Ian to throw the first part of the competition. After the eviction, Dan told Danielle that Ian was going to throw the challenge. So he also thinks that Danielle is going to drop and give it to him. How stupid can these people be? Ian, don’t be so foolish. DO NOT THROW IT! Ugh. Ian drops after 17 minutes. He gives Danielle a knowing look. Danielle was starting to doubt Dan, but maybe the fact that he convinced Ian to drop will swing her back to his side. He tells her that the only way it’s going to be the two of them in the final part of the HoH competition is if she drops. I’m not sure that that logic is bulletproof, but Danielle might buy it. They’re operating under the assumption that the second part of the challenge will be a puzzle and Dan can’t beat Ian at a puzzle. He knows he can beat him in the third round, however. Wow, Danielle just completely dismounts from her hook when it submerges. Sigh. Dan wins the first round because he convinced the other two people to throw it.

Apparently Dan actually wants to go to the end with Danielle, but he’s trying to come up with a contingency plan in case Danielle doesn’t win the second round. “If he wins, I’m going to high five him in front of you and yell, ‘We did it.’ Then… you need to say… ‘Dan, why are you so happy? He’s taking me to the end.’ You’ve gotta make him feel like if he cuts you… In no way you’ll vote for him.” “To make him think… that I could taint the jury, you know.” “You’ll be sitting next to everyone else so you can do whatever you want. Like say… you’re gonna tell Shane not to vote for him.” “Oh, I’ll be screaming. I mean, I’ll make a show of it for sure. And I’ll make it believeable.” So the idea here is that if Ian thinks that Danielle won’t vote for him, maybe Dan can convince him to throw the third part of the HoH challenge. They’re operating under the assumption, of course, that if Ian wins, he’ll be sending Danielle home because of the final two deal he has with Dan.

HoH PART DEUX! Wow, this is elaborate. They must climb a skyscraper and clean “windows” that contain the faces of eliminated houseguests and place them in the order they were eliminated. They’ll be climbing the whole time, however. Once they’re done, they hit the button at the bottom and their time will be recorded. Fastest wins. Danielle’s up first. There really isn’t much for me to say here because Ian and Danielle aren’t competing head to head and I’ve got no idea how well they’re doing due to the editing. Oooh, Ian’s got a strategy. As he’s searching for the houseguests, he’s only cleaning the bottom so that he can see the names. That may save him a little time. Let’s find out. Danielle took 7 minutes and 31 seconds. Ian took 6 minutes and 4 seconds. Ian wins! Let’s see how closely Dan and Danielle stick to their script.

So they enter the house and Dan goes “You did it! You just won 50 grand!” and Danielle happens to be nearby when he says it. Ian’s pissed. “She was right there!” “I’m sorry.” “Oh my God, I’m gonna kill you.” And cue Danielle. “Dan, what was all that about?” “What?” “Why were you just celebrating?” “I dunno.” Ian’s still fuming. “I’m not talking to that ******.” Let it begin. “Dan, if you seriously think that Ian’s taking you to the final two, you’re crazy, because I know he’s taking me.” “Why do you think he’s taking you?” “Because he said that it’s not true, he said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’.” (What? That made no sense.) Ian tells them to knock it off. “I’m pissed at you for saying 50,000, I’m not…” “DID YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH HIM?!” “NO! I don’t…” “Ian, I swear on my life, if you take him to the final two, I will taint the jury, I will not vote for you, I will have Shane and I’ll tell Ashley everything that has come out of your mouth.” “I didn’t say anything bad about Shane” Ian responds, because that has relevance to this argument… “No, but I will make sure Shane doesn’t vote for you if you take somebody like that.” Haha, in the diary room Ian says “Danielle yelling at me like that, that’s just not good sportsmanship at all… if she thinks I’ll take her to the end because she threatens me, uh, then that’s completely false. I-I don’t respond to threats.” Now Dan and Ian have retreated and Ian’s freaking out. He thinks that Dan may have just won the game. Dan tells him to cut her, he doesn’t care, she’s being a baby. Wow. This stupid plan actually worked. Or did it? “So if you win and you vote her out, then she’s going to do that.” “Yeah, but I’m not going to throw it. I’m risk averse. You need to behave yourself though, because I can’t be dealing with that.”

TIME FOR JURY HOUSE FUN! They’re just about to find out who the 6th jury member is – SHANE! Join the blindsided by Dan club! He claims that it’s the worst one because Danielle had the HoH and the POV and somehow he got sent home. Everyone goes “Clearly Dan and Danielle were in cahoots!” and Shane responds “Well, Danielle and I were also in cahoots, physically, these last few days.” They’re talking about Ian first and commending the fact that he’s made some big moves. Jenn calls him a rat. Britney and Frank are bickering again. Sigh… It sounds like the consensus is that Danielle hasn’t really played the game as much as the other two. She’s played Dan’s game the entire way. Is that necessarily a bad thing? It’s up for debate. Britney claims that she’s in awe of Dan’s game. Jenn says that “Dan is out there on the battlefield, murdering everybody, sending people out in body bags… I like that kind of gameplay. That actually kind of works for me.” Britney continues with “He’s running the house. Despite what he did to us personally, this game doesn’t have any rules, there’s no manual for how you have to play the game of Big Brother…” Joe interjects with “There is however a life manual. Some of us go by that.” Frank agrees. Joe’s argument is that people have won this game before without doing what Dan has done. Jenn thinks they should all get off their high horses because they’ve all lied and cheated and backstabbed. Frank disagrees with that as well. Britney wants to know why Dan’s lies are worse than everyone else’s. Frank’s still very rattled by the fact that Dan put his hand on the Bible and swore on it. Joe says that if Dan and Judas were in the final two, Dan might have his vote. From the sounds of things, the Frank and Joe are never going to vote for Dan. They all agree, however, that the final question is going to influence their vote greatly. So that was pointless.

Time for part 3 of the final HoH competition. Was that Jordan in the audience? Looked like her. It’s quiz time for Dan and Ian. Time to find out how well they know the jury members. Julie will read the beginnings of statements made by jury members, then she’ll give them two possible endings. They must pick the right ending to score a point. Question 1: Ashley said “My favorite moment in the house was…” A) “when I went on an ice cream date with Frank” or B) “dressing up like a giant tortilla chip”? Dan and Ian both pick A (I would’ve gone B). It was A. They both get a point. Question 2: Joe said “My biggest regret in the game was…” A) “relying too much on my cooking” or B) “my ten alliances”? I’d say A. They both pick B. Wow. I don’t know the jury members AT ALL. Dan and Ian both get a point. Question 3: Britney said “The most embarrassing moment in the house for me was…” A) “Having to say the words ‘quack pack’ like a million times this summer” or B) “when one of my players seriously told me that she had bartered cigarettes for a vote”? It’s got to be A, right? ****! I thought I knew my girl Brit better than that. Of course, this is the first time I’m hearing about this cigarette thing, so… Anyways, Dan was of a like mind. Ian was not. Ian gets a point. 3-2 for Ian. Question 4: Frank said “The moment in the house that irritated me the most was…” A) “being lied to over and over again” or B) “being on the block every week”? I’m going A. So is Dan. Ian goes B. AAAGGGHHH!!! I’m 0 for 4! 4-2 for Ian. By my calculations, Dan needs to get the next one right to stay in this. Question 5: Jenn said “The most uncomfortable moment in the house was…” A) “the Frank and Willie fight outside” or B) “the first double eviction night”? This one HAS to be A, right? Oh, this time Ian’s going A and Dan’s going B. If my luck remains the same, it should be 4-3 for Ian after this. I GOT ONE! And so did Ian! 5-2 for Ian! Ian wins the final HoH competition! HOLY CRAP! DAN LOST! I never even considered this possibility. Could Dan’s final plan have backfired on him, making Ian too afraid to take him to the final two? Ian has to know that he stands a better chance at winning against Danielle.

Ian just won, not that you could tell.

Eviction time. Ian didn’t even look happy to win. That must be a stressful decision. He actually looks miserable. Ian tells the two of them that he has to honor the commitment he made to Dan. Ian evicts Danielle from the game, making her the 7th jury member.

Danielle, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house.

Renegades to the end! Dan asks Ian how he knew the answer to Britney’s statement. Ian admits he pretty much guessed the entire time. Haha, my favorite Dani, Daniele Donato tweeted “If Dan wins, he’ll tell Danielle she won & she’ll still believe him!”

“Danielle, you seemed as if you put all of your eggs in Dan’s basket”. Well, that about sums it up Julie. I mean… it worked out for her, to a degree. Julie wants to know why Danielle didn’t even try to make a deal with Ian and her reasoning is that Dan and Ian were so close, if she had tried to get with Ian, he probably just would have told Dan and she’d still be sitting where she’s sitting. Apparently Ian told Danielle to her face that he couldn’t win against her and that he could win against Dan. I find that very surprising to hear. Ian can play the moral superiority card, but Dan played a better game. Danielle did not. Ian’s argument was that Danielle had too many friends on the jury. “Do you believe that?” “Maybe, but it’s a cowardly way to go out.” Danielle sounds thrilled to be on the jury.

LIVE INTERROGATION TIME! WOOOOO!!! The best part of any reality show. The 6 jury members are brought out and Julie begins to speak, only her mic’s not turned on. As someone who has recently gained first-hand experience in filming live television, I can tell you that there are like… 5 guys behind the scenes just screaming into their headsets. The amount of work it must take to produce a show like this… Anyways, Britney hopes the final jury member is Danielle because she thinks that Dan and Ian are more deserving. Danielle comes out and Shane stands up to hug her. CUTE!

Isn’t Britney just gorgeous?
The Jury is finally complete.

QUESTION TIME! Frank’s un-tucking his shirt on national television. First up is Ashley. She’s asking Ian if he thinks that he made his own decisions as a member of the Quack Pack or if he just did what the group wanted him to do. He says that he always made his own decisions and that part of the reason he started the Quack Pack was to hold his destiny in his own hands. Dan would totally disagree with that, but he wasn’t asked. That doesn’t stop Frank from egging him on. Julie has to stop Dan from answering further. Frank’s now asking Dan if he feels like he crossed a line when he swore on the Bible and his wedding ring and how he can justify doing so. Dan says that he DOES think that he crossed a line and that he’s done things that he’s not proud of and ashamed of, but he was up to his elbows in blood anyways, so… Jenn asks Ian why she should reward him for lying to Boogie, Frank and herself. Ian’s answer is… not really an answer at all. He just says that he got the information that he could out of them and used it to his advantage. Joe tells Dan that he’s only won 1 HoH and is wondering what this “blood” is that Dan keeps referring to. “What are you trying to take credit for?” What a stupid question Joe. Dan is clearly responsible for evicting a number of people including Britney, Frank and Shane. Dan says that whether or not they realize it, he used people to get power and uses Shane as an example. He says that he didn’t want to play that way, but considering how strong the rest of his competitors were, it was his only option. Julie sounds like she’s been crying. Was she the one who just had a coughing fit? Britney simply asks Ian why he should win over Dan. I bet his answer will have to do with the fact that he lied less or something. “I deserve to win over Dan because I took my fate into my own hands.” Stop saying that Ian. You’ve answered all three of your questions with the same answer. He claims that he was one of the few players that didn’t just take the alliance he was given from the start and that he built his own destiny, whereas Dan worked with Danielle. And… there it is. “I played a slightly cleaner game.” Shane starts off “Satan. I mean Dan! Why do you deserve to win over Ian man?” Now Dan’s bashing Ian’s game saying that he didn’t start the Quack Pack and that he was only the 5th vote they needed that week. Furthermore, Britney was playing him the entire game and Ian just continuously chants “Bull, bull, bull, bull” underneath everything that Dan says. It sounds like he’s saying “bowl”. It’s Danielle’s turn to ask a question and she chooses Ian. “Did you know that Dan had a ‘final two’ deal with me and that he was really going to take me instead of you?” “Uh… I was not aware of that fact-” “Sorry man!” “-and I really hope that’s not true because he gave me his grandfather’s gold necklace as collateral if he evicted me, so he’s not only lying on the Bible but on the cross as well, so… there you go Dani.” Dan just announced that Danielle was right and that he would have taken her to the end because she was his player. Julie’s moved on to the next segment, but Ian’s just looking at Dan going “Really? Really? … Really?” Dan just gets up and walks away.

Everyone’s laughing except for Danielle (and by extension, Shane).

It’s time for the vote! But first, Dan and Ian get to speak one last time. Ian admits that after what he’s just heard, he’s fairly disgusted with Dan. He wanted to be nice, but he’s going to lay into Dan a little bit. He touts that he’s had 4 HoH wins and has held the power of Veto twice, whereas Dan has won each only once. Now he’s pointing out that Dan started the game with 3 lives and expended two of them within the first few weeks, whereas Ian’s had one life the whole time and he’s made it to the end. Next, Dan has backstabbed every jury member. He almost backstabbed Ian after giving him his grandfather’s cross. Ian claims to have played this game with three things: probability, statistics, and a little bit of heart. He covered his bases, made smart decisions for himself, and controlled his own destiny in the game (there he goes again…) up unto the last HoH. Nice speech. He winged that? Impressive. Dan’s now going to try to win with flattery. After the reset, he looked to the people around him on the pirate ship: Frank and Shane, two physical players the likes of which Big Brother has never seen; Joe and Jenn, two underrated social players; Ashley, an extremely likeable wildcard (?); Britney, who is all that and then some; and finally Danielle, his loyal warrior who he owes a lot to. He asked himself how he could possibly win and the only option he came up with was to play a ruthless game. He didn’t want to, he had to. He claims that he played the game 24/7 and did what he had to do. None of it was personal, it was all about winning. Dan, why don’t you just add a bit more flattery to your speech? “Let’s face it, you new houseguests in this game were the best ever to play this game and I’ll put that on anything. Thank you for your time. I hope you guys aren’t mad at me and I hope you’re not too disgusted with me.” Did someone just say “weak sauce”? Am I going crazy? I’m honestly not sure who’s going to win at this point. Each of them has convincing arguments. In the end though, I think I’d have to give it to Dan. Yes, he did ruthless and despicable things, but I’ve got to appreciate the ingenuity he utilized and the intensity with which he played. I’m glad Ian’s next to him, but I think it has to be Dan. Let’s see if the jury agrees with me.

Ashley’s up first. “I definitely put you on my dream board”. She’s so weird. Britney’s next. “I think you’re both very deserving. Quack quack”. Frank. “I’m voting for who I think made the best decisions in the game.” Joe. “Gentlemen, one hell of a summer together, thank you.” Jenn. “You both played an incredible game and it was a pleasure to meet you both.” Dan chimes in with “She sold a million records by the way, in case you didn’t know.” “Kissing butt up ‘til the end?” Shane. “I just hope the best wins.” And finally, Danielle. “The only reason I’m voting this way is because I’ve tried to keep my word and I’m going to try to continue.” FIN!

The votes are in.

REUNION TIME! Errbody’s there now! Wow. Julie asked Janelle what surprised her the most about this season and Janelle starts off with “Well, besides all of Danielle’s lies…” The biggest surprise for her was Dan’s amazing gameplay and she says that if he doesn’t win Big Brother 14, it’s an absolute travesty. Here here! She won’t go as far as to say that he’s the greatest player to ever play this game (although he just might be), but he’s hands down one of the best players of all time. Julie turns the question around to Frank and asks him if, as a superfan, he agrees with Janelle’s assessment. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t. He thinks that while Dan is a great player (or used to be), he didn’t play his best game this summer. He played a scavenger’s game and that’s not one that he can respect. Boogie agrees that Dan was amazing, but he also has the utmost respect for the journey that Ian went on. Boogie’s being quite nice tonight. Now Julie’s allowing Shane to ask Danielle if she knew that he was going to be evicted. Danielle (and Dan) tell him that that was not the case. So Shane asks Dan why he went about it the way he did (hasn’t that been asked already like… 5 times?). He gives the same answer he’s always given – he leaves his heart at the door when he comes in the house and plays the only way he can. What surprised Wil the most? He completely ignores the question and says that Jenn and Joe need to stop holding grudges against the people who lied to them and take some responsibility. “You fell for it.”

Time for American’s Favorite Houseguest! Did someone just whisper “Jodi” into their mic? Because that was loud. Apparently it isn’t time for American’s Favorite Houseguest. That will be shoehorned into the last 30 seconds of airtime.

Alright. This is it. 75 days. 31 competitions. 30 blogs. Julie turns the first key. Danielle voted for Dan. Shane voted for Ian. Jenn voted for Ian. Joe voted for Ian. Frank votes for Ian. WOW. Ian wins Big Brother 14. I… disagree with that. I really do. I believe that the jury voted based on their emotions. People like Shane and Frank were just too upset with how they were backstabbed. Danielle only voted for Dan because she was trying to keep her word. It was quite clear that she didn’t want to. I think that Britney’s the only person who may have actually wanted to vote for Dan and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that she’s also a coach. She’d been through this once before, she knew what to expect, and she was better able to separate the game from her feelings. It’s no coincidence that Janelle and Boogie felt the same way. Dan IS a better game player than Ian. At the end of the day, however, Ian’s just a nicer fellow (Looks like Britney and Ashley both voted for Ian as well. I was wrong.).

Just watch, Ian’s also going to win the award for America’s Favorite Houseguest. Nope, it’s Frank. He would have been my second guess.

I wonder what’s more amazing to Ian: that he just won $500,000 or that he just got hugged by a Playboy model?

Well guys, that it for me. Thanks for watching. Thanks for reading. I hope that you enjoyed these blogs and that they didn’t feel like a complete waste of time. This has been a fun, stressful, frustrating, and challenging experience for me. I know that the entire concept of a Big Brother live blog seems stupid, but it took a lot of discipline for me to actually stick with this and finish it. That being said, I don’t feel like I ever half-assed it, even though I was behind the ENTIRE season. It wasn’t ideal, but I made it work and I think I finished strong. As for whether or not Blog Brother will return for a Season 3, that is yet to be determined. Let me know if you want it. If you don’t, I’ll probably still write it. Or maybe I’ll just watch as a fan next summer. Or maybe I’ll be starring in Big Brother Canada. Who knows?

Maybe one day somebody will blog about me…

Once again, thanks. And good night.

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