Live-blogging Big Brother was a real pain in the ass last summer. There’s no way I’m doing that again. So I’m live-blogging SURVIVOR! Welcome to the very first season of BLOGVIVOR!!!
Episode 1 – “A new Dawn”:
HOLY SHOOT! IT’S SURVIVOR! PHILLIP IS BACK!!!! It’s another season of Fans Vs. Favorites!
Let’s take a look at the tribes. I’ll provide remarkably brief, incredibly shallow observations.
Gota Tribe (Fans):
Laura: Young blonde girl #1. She’s cute, I suppose. Expect lots of flirting and cat-fighting.
Sherri: Older blonde girl. She’ll be the tribe mother. The kind that everyone gets annoyed with very quickly.
Matt: This guy’s got a huge beard. I’m going to call him Beardo. He’ll either be a nice guy everyone likes or a super bossy guy that gets on everyone’s nerves. I’m leaning towards bossy.
Hope: Young blonde girl #2. Really cute. I’m on Team Hope.
Eddie: Of course he’s a fireman. Looks like one of those guys who’s attractive enough and strong enough to make it to the merge. Probably with a posse of other attractive strong guys and cute women who latch onto them.
Julia: Cute girl who flies under the radar with a secret alliance until the final 5 or 6. Apparently she’s a race car driver?
Allie: Young blonde girl #3. How am I going to tell them all apart?
Michael: He seems like a schemer. Doesn’t he look like a schemer? He’ll probably manipulate and backstab people.
Shamar: The requisitie “big black guy”. He’s an ex-marine, so he’ll probably be useful to his tribe. Or a threat who’s eliminated early on.
Reynold: Looks like a competitor. I’m sure he’ll make it to the merge.
Bikal Tribe (Favorites):
Andrea (Redemption Island): I always liked her, but… I’m a sucker for cute girls on Survivor, so… yeah. She was never anything more than a pawn in Boston Rob’s game.
Brandon (South Pacific): I know nothing about him aside from the fact that he’s the nephew of Russell Hantz. Jeez, does that family do anything other than appear on reality shows (Russell’s brother Willie was on Big Brother last summer)?
Brenda (Nicaragua): I’ve always thought that Brenda was super cute, but she’s also super devious. Keep an eye on this one.
Corinne (Gabon): Uh… yeah, I didn’t watch Gabon. She looks annoying though.
Dawn (South Pacific): Uh… I know nothing about her. I never watched South Pacific. Probably the motherly type. Yeah, I typically categorize all older woman on Survivor as “the motherly type”.
Erik (Fans Vs. Favorites): All I remember about Erik was that he was an idiot. He gave up individual immunity when he was the odd man out (literally) against a secret alliance of four women. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He probably feels like he’s got something to prove this season. And he does.
Francesca (Redemption Island): Oh Francesca. She was the first one voted out on Redemption Island because she was annoying and couldn’t keep her mouth shut. Let’s see if she’s learned from her mistakes.
Cochran (South Pacific): As I said, I didn’t watch South Pacific, so I’ve got no idea who Cochran is. Apparently he’s a nerd?
Phillip (Redemption Island): Oh. Em. Gee. Phillip. Is. The. Greatest. He’s absolutely insane. Nobody likes him, but he made it to the final three of Redemption Island because who the hell is going to vote for him? At the very least he makes the show very, very interesting. I can’t wait for more Phillip antics.
Malcolm (Philippines): Malcolm is an absolute beast. It’s a crime he didn’t make the final 3 in the last season. He absolutely dominated in challenges. I can see him sticking around until the merger, but people would be smart to eliminate him before he starts winning individual immunities.
Reward Challenge: Right off the bat the tribes are thrown into a reward challenge, the reward being an early head start in the form of flint and 20 lbs. of beans. Each tribe picks two members and they go head to head, trying to grab a ring from a post and get it back to their tribes corresponding post. All they have to do is be touching the ring when they touch their post. It’s kind of like a full-contact capture-the-flag. Erik and Dawn take on Julia and Shamar to start us off, racing through the water to reach the ring first. Erik grabs it and tosses it to Dawn. There’s a struggle, and the Fans end up winning the first round. Hope and Eddie take on Brandon and Andrea. All four of them get their hands on the ring. Favorites take it thanks in large part to Brandon. Sherri and Michael are up against Phillip and Brenda. Oh Phillip, how can anyone take you seriously? Shamar yells out “Break her wrist” and tries to blow it off by saying he meant break her hold. Jeff’s like “What?” Somehow Phillip wins it for the favorites. 2-1 favorites. Cochran and Francesca are up against Laura and Beardo. Cochran and Laura flirt a bit, then they all get into it. Favorites take it again. Corrine and Malcolm take on Reynold and Allie. At this point the fans need to win 3 in a row. I think we all know what’s going to happen. Malcolm puts up a hell of a fight (are you surprised?) but Reynold is pretty strong. Both of their pants are falling down, but Malcolm ultimately pulls it off (not his pants, the win). Favorites win 4-1. Hey, it’s better this way. The Fans get a more authentic Survivor experience. That’s what they want, right?
Gota Camp: Right away we’ve got people arguing about what’s more important – fire, shelter, or water? Shamar thinks they need fire. Beardo wants a shelter. Guess what? 10 people can’t build a fire… why don’t you do both? Shamar and Beardo are at each other’s throats, which worries Reynold because how are they going to fair as a tribe if they’re already bickering? I knew those two would be trouble (when they walked in)!
Bikal Camp: Malcolm is worried because he sees himself as the new kid on the block. Phillip is ready baby. They set about building a shelter. Brenda’s already trolling Phillip. Fransesqua still hates him and feels safe because she’s not a big threat. You’ve got that right Fransquesqua. Dawn, Andrea, and Fransescqua are already making an alliance. They want to bring in Cochran, Brandon, and Phillip. Is Andrea drawing these names from a hat? Why would you not want Malcolm in your alliance? Dawn, Andrea, Fransescaquasca, Cochran, Brandon, and Phillip seems like the most random alliance ever. I’d almost argue that Malcolm, Brenda, Corinne, and Erik could take them, even outnumbered. Phillip is annoyed greatly by Fransquescesca.
Gota Camp: Shamar’s bitching about the fact that they’re not making fire, yet sits there doing nothing. They teach you that in the marines buddy? Finally he gets up to help the others make fire and they get it going. Not bad Shamar. You’re redeemed. For now. Unless we have to listen to you talk about Iraq for the next 3 months. Beardo is extremely happy about the fire, so he smoothes things over with Shamar. Guess that drama is over.
Bikal Camp: Phillip, as a veteran Survivor, has a number of rules that he likes to abide by:
– Be in an alliance
– Be in an alliance within an alliance
– Get rid of your alliance before they get rid of you
– You don’t owe anybody anything; it’s all about family
Phillip decides that he wants to form his own alliance, consisting of Corrine (the Dominatrix), Malcolm (???), and Andrea (the Eliminator). Phillip will of course be stealth/the undercover brother/the specialist. He also asks Cochran to be The Intelligence and Erik to be… well, he doesn’t say. Erik is not pleased about this. He associates Phillip’s style of play with Boston Rob’s “You’re either with me or you’re not” style. Erik doesn’t like to be told what to do. He’d rather make idiotic decisions of his own accord. Yup, Erik’s definitely got a chip on his shoulder. Expect him to make trouble for Phillip.
Gota Camp: Reynold and Eddie are a “hunted species”, apparently. Reynold decides that he wants Allie on his team. He sees it as serendipity that they ended up together in the first challenge. He wants to go to the final two with her. He’ll be totally cool with her, but not too cool, you know? She’s apparently able to fly under the radar because she’s not the cutest. Nice. Just what every girl wants to hear. But… she’s also not the cutest, so… Later, Eddie and Hope are stargazing and decide to form an alliance because they’re the two best looking people there. MODEST IS HOTTEST! They also want Reynold and Allie, which will probably work for Reynold and Allie. They can be the 4 most attractive people on the island! Meanwhile, Laura notices that Reynold and Allie are… fondling each other. On the first night. Which is ALWAYS an amazing idea. Always always. Always.
Bikal Camp: The next morning, Cochran is complaining about the weather. He is burnt to a CRISP. Cochran is using self deprecation to win people over, even though he’s in extreme pain. That’s all.
Gota Camp: The “Cool Kid” alliance, as I’m going to call them, is hanging out in the water. Beardo is way off on his own because he’s not cool. The other “uncool” kids are sensing the divide and are forming their own LOSER ALLIANCE! Except Michael isn’t really with them. He wants to be hip to either direction. Beardo’s leg is apparently all bulbous, like a wizard’s orb? What? Michael and Beardo are bonding. It really is too early in the game to make alliances, but with the way the game is played these days, you know that everyone else is doing it so you don’t really have a choice.
Immunity Challenge: Alright, first immunity challenge of the season. Jeff points out Cochran’s sunburn. “When did that happen?” “Instantly.” The tribes will race out in pairs and climb a tower. Each floor has three crates filled with sandbags. There are four floors and 12 crates. Each set of tribe members will throw down the crates then slide down a fire pole (both members need to be up on the same level before they begin throwing the crates down). Once all the crates have been broken, the remaining two will run out and try to get six of the sandbags into 6 targets. Winner gets immunity. Cochran and Phillip are the first “Heroes”, as Jeff says. Wrong season Jeff. Laura and Sherri are first for the Fans. Boys beats girls and the Favorites take the lead. Francesca and Corrine take off for the Favorites while Michael and Hope try to regain lost ground, which they do. Erik and Brenda are next for the Favorites, Julia and Beardo for the Fans. Erik is hella quick. Both tribes are pretty much neck-and-neck. Brandon, Andrea, Eddie, and Allie all have four floors to climb. Brandon and Andrea take the lead for the Favorites while Eddie waits around for Allie. Brandon and Andrea are done and Malcolm and Dawn have a huge lead as they rush out to the sandbags. Malcolm’s already landed 3 by the time Reynold and Shamar get around to gathering their sandbags for the Fans. Reynold catches up quickly, however, and both tribes have 3. Just like that, the Fans have 5. Reynold DESTROYS Malcolm and the Fans end up winning 6-4. Ouch. That has got to be hard for Malcolm, the immunity king. He totally blew that lead. Kind of like the Calgary Flames.
Bikal Tribe: Francesca and Cochran are thinking of getting rid of Phillip. I really don’t want Phillip gone. He’s hilarious. CBS wouldn’t let Phillip get voted out this early, would they? Their other option was Corinne, but Cochran likes her. Andrea, Corrine, and Brandon join the conversation and talk about getting rid of Phillip. Where the hell is Brenda in all of this? Has anyone spoken to her yet? Andrea’s taking what she heard and running back to Phillip with it. HE’S THE BOSTON ROB OF THIS SEASON! Phillip’s alliance is going to vote out Francesca first. Again. He thinks he’s being Machiavellian. This is such a Boston Rob move (remember Matt, who won every Redemption Island duel only to be immediately sent back thanks to Rob?) Erik’s now scheming with Brandon because he doesn’t like Phillip’s style of play. Now Brandon and Francesca are talking about getting rid of Phillip. Nice editing CBS. Going by what they’ve shown, it seems as if Phillip is gone. There’s a lemur eating a mantis. Now we’re listening in on Dawn and Cochran. Dawn wants Francesca gone because she doesn’t trust her. Cochran makes a joke about how this is a new Dawn then cracks up. Dawn wants to work with Cochran and Cochran is supposedly in an alliance with Phillip, Andrea, Corrine, and Malcolm, so they theoretically have the numbers… right? This could all hinge on Dawn. Now Francesca wants to split the vote and vote for Corrine as well as Phillip because… Phillip might have an idol? Jeez Francesca, you’re an idiot. Oh, there’s Brenda! Brenda and Dawn think that Andrea’s going to tell Corrine that they’re splitting the vote. Brandon doesn’t trust her. I bet she wants to vote Andrea. LET’S ALL VOTE FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT TRIBAL! Erik is now telling Fran that Andrea is playing both sides. So… now they’re all voting for Andrea? So… Brandon, Fran, Erik, Brenda, and supposedly Dawn and Cochran, are voting for Andrea? GOOD EDITING CBS I AM SO CONFUSED!
Tribal Council: Brandon claims that they’re all “chiefs”. “Nobody’s going to get done like they were done the last time.” “Well… somebody is tonight.” They all laugh. Nervously. Awkward. Francesca says that Phillip has learned how to pronounce her name. Phillip claims that he could always say her name and just decided to pronounce it wrong because of what she said to him during the tribal council. Okay Phillip. Okay. Phillip brings up the point that Francesca really isn’t much of a favorite because she doesn’t really have a Survivor experience; She was there for 3 days. Good point Phillip. Francesca’s now talking about how she got paranoid. Everyone’s now talking about how they’re paranoid. In Andrea’s case, her paranoia is probably justified. She claims to have learned from her mistake last time in that she got too comfortable. With experienced players, things happen much quicker. Things can change during tribal council. Cochran mentions how we’ve seen that before, with someone touching the shoulder of the person they wanted out. Once his speech is done, Malcolm reaches out and touches his shoulder. Funny. Time for the vote. Fran votes for Andrea. Andrea votes for Fran. That was expected. Phil grabs the votes:
FRANCESCA IS FIRST GONE AGAIN! Andrea breathes a sign of relief and thanks the tribe. Haha, this is hilarious. Francesca, you made the exact same mistake AGAIN. Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Francesqua feels stupid, but she’s happy that she’s at least made Survivor history. She guesses she just isn’t cut out for this game. I’d say that that’s pretty accurate Francesquasqua.
Next Week: Brandon thinks he’s getting voted out, so he decides to go out Russell Hantz style. That should work out well.