NOW THAT YOU’VE READ MY HANDY RECAP YOU’RE ALL CAUGHT UP FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF LOVE AND MAGIC, RIIIIGHHHHTTT??!?! GOOD! LET’S NOT WASTE ANOTHER YEAR!
GUYS, I’m watching this recap and I totally forgot that some… magical lady attacked and sexed up Andy Bellefleur. And Tara tried to kill herself in a tanning salon. And… oh, who cares? Pam just went and saved Tara. And peeled off a bunch of skin. Looking good Tara. BARF. Guys, this is so ridiculous.
Anna Paquin. Stephen Moyer. Ryan Wesley. Christopher Bauer. Bowles. Cervi. Bum. Ellis. Janina. Lowe. I CAN’T READ THE NAMES THEY ARE GOING TOO FAST ALLIGATOR HEAD! PRESTON DEAD… is it a vole? Is that a thing? An aardvark maybe? It’s not a rat. Jumping preacher. Praying ladies. ALEXANDER WOOOOOOO!!!!!! MAGGOT FOX! TRUE BLOOD IS BACK BITCHES!
Ugh, why did I do this again? I hate this already. Sookie is apologizing to Alcide for killing Debbie. Because WHAT A LOSS THAT WAS, am I right? LaFayette is pissed that Sookie told. I… don’t remember why. I’m not going to write 2,000+ words for this episode. I just swear I’m not going to. Apparently Sookie is the “angel of death”. Can we all agree that that would be a MUCH better show? Make it happen Alan Ball.
RUSSELL EDGINGTON IS LOOSE! BILL AND ERIC ARE ON THE CASE! They have to find out who broke good ol’ Russ boy free. Apparently only 4 of them knew where he was buried. I don’t know who the other 2 are. MYSTERY!
Oh hey, Nora’s alive. Meloni is watching her being tortured on his MAC BOOK! He is with… Salami? I honestly don’t know who that person is. Celery maybe? They’re talking about who the hell cares.
Sookie shows up at Jason’s house. She’s turning herself in. “In to what?” Jason asks. Favorite line so far. I wish Sookie had said “a werepanther”. Jason says he’s not putting Sookie in jail. Ain’t NO WAY! Sookie’s recapping the events of last season to Jason and he’s reacting the way I did when I watched the damn thing. Oh, and Jessica’s there! Hey Jess!
Pam shows up at Fangtasia with Tara and ERIC’S THERE! Pam’s so happy, but she quickly reverts to her cool, collected self. Congrats Eric, Tara’s your granddaughter! Ish. Kind of. Eric’s not impressed. Now Bill has taken Tara aside and they are totes bonding about being vampires. Guys, I hate to say it, but I think this is the most interesting Tara has EVER been. Bill asks if Sookie is safe and Tara goes “She’s ALWAYS safe, because there will always be some fool there to take a bullet for her.” Well said Tara. WHY AM I AGREEING WITH HER?!
Whoa, Eric is REALLY pissed off at Pam. He clearly thinks that she was the one to free Edgington. I guess that she’s one of the 4 who knew? Who was the other one, Alcide? PROBABLY. Because of COURSE we have to include him. Pam’s hurt because she’s like “You know I’d never betray you baby!” Eric’s like “TRUST NO ONE!” And Pam is like… I’m sorry guys, I’m just not invested in this conversation. I’ll check back in with you in the next scene.
Sigh, apparently the next scene is just Eric telling Bill that it wasn’t Pam. We’re 13 minutes in and I’m already over 500 words. THIS ISN’T GOOD GUYS! Who could have freed Russell? Not Nora. Not Jessica. Not Alcide? WHO COULD IT BE?! THERE’S A LEAK SOMEWHERE!
Whoa, we’re back with the Chancellors! The little boy one… and the black one… IS THAT THE GERMAN DUDE?! Apparently there are vampire uprisings on four of the seven continents. I am SO MUCH MORE interested in that than ANYTHING else going on in this show. I like this little child vampire. He got bills passed all across Scandinavia. Apparently. Oh, now everyone is watching Nora on their Macbooks. Nora’s praying to… can I assume it’s Lilith? Apparently the guy who wrote the Vampire Diaries was high the whole time. What the hell is going on?
Hey, it’s Andy. He’s talking to the Sheriff. I don’t… I just… guys, my heart isn’t in this. I feel like I’m dead inside. Something kind of funny just happened but it’s WAY too hard to explain so I’m not going to bother. Just watch the episode. Or better yet, DO NOT EVER! EVER!
“Hey Sam, Barack and Hilary over there are asking for you!” Apparently Sam has new shifter friends. I do not remember them at all. At. All. The girl’s kind of cute. Is she the naked girl that I mentioned like… 3 reviews ago? WHO CARES?! No one. “So what do you recommend here?” “Honestly? Nothing.” Yeah, that’s how I feel about this show.
Now Sookie is reading people’s thoughts. Everyone either hates her for turning Tara or wants to bang her. Except one guy wants his beer. Why is everyone in this town so horny for Sookie? Am I the only one who doesn’t get the Paquin appeal?
Lafayette is channeling that… thing again. And he’s scratching Sookie’s car? Or… he’s… I do not understand WHAT just happened.
Alcide is talking to Debbie’s parents. And… that’s my cue to TUNE OUT!
Dammit, I was totally not paying attention, but then Alcide told Debbie’s parents that Marcus killed her. STOP COVERING FOR SOOKIE YOU IDIOT! Now they’re all crying. I HATE THIS SHOW! I ABJURE THIS SHOW! I ABJURE YOU TRUE BLOOD!
Holy crap you guys, LaFayette CURSED SOOKIE’S CAR! SHE CAN’T BREAK! HAHAHAHA! Funny prank LaFayette!
Apparently we are now in South Dakota. Oh, great, it’s Scott Foley and Terry. Yeah, I’m calling him Foley now instead of Marine. Apparently his name is Patrick but I like Foley better. MARINE FLASHBACK! I think this is one of the first flashbacks we’ve got this episode. That’s… pretty impressive. Nice restraint True Blood. They’re drinking and listening to rap music and… fireworks are going off? Guess so. This is weird. What does this have to do with anything? What does ANY of this have to do with ANYTHING?! I HATE THIS SHOW! Oh snap, the Marine just shot a civilian! What an IDIOT! Stuff is about to go DOWN! And now there are hostiles! “Where the hostiles at?!” 2:00 high apparently. Apparently at some point they just slaughtered a whole boat load of innocent people. GAH, I’m already over 1,000 words. I’m so sorry you guys. Oh, the flashback is done. And so is my attention span.
Sookie’s drinking. Sad music. Sookie’s drinking a LOT.
Jason and Andy are having another one of their “stupid people” conversations where neither of them of them communicates very well. Silly officers. Hey, Jessica’s there! Man, she looks good in that top. What a cutie.
Aw, Pam and Eric made up. But Eric’s still going to release her! I didn’t mention earlier that she had asked to be released. Out of anger. But now he’s doing it out of love because she’s his only child. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! Have you guys ever wondered if the books are as stupid as the show? I wonder it almost every day. Pam has been released. Let’s just… glaze right over that. Is that a thing? Glaze? Do you glaze over things? I know that things can be… glazed over. What is happening to my mind?
Andy’s in a limo with hot girls. And Jason. And the sheriff. This is so relevant. Whoops. Apparently it’s not the sheriff. It’s a judge. Because Andy’s the sheriff, right? Of course he is.
Bill and Jessica are searching for a bug in Bill’s house. Bill still claims to be King. I honestly don’t know if he’s lying to Jessica or not. UH OH, BILL FOUND A JOINT! LOL! He’s not even mad! He’s disappointed because she’s smoking low quality weed! COOLEST DAD EVER! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY KING BILL!!!! What a loving relationship they have. Melts my heart. GOOD JOB DADDY BILL! I could just hug Jessica she’s so pretty. Squirell!
Hey look, it’s sister Nora, the Sanguin…. Sanginuist… whatever. Meloni and Salami are… I wasn’t paying attention. They don’t want her to die. They want her to give up the names of the other SANGUINIST! That’s what they’re called! Nora’s not as cute as I remember. Sorry, I zoned out again. They’re talking about that iPhone app that kills vampires. What was it? iStake? I wish I had an iSteak, am I right? I love beef. Nora apparently cares about Eric and Bill because she’s going to tell them who the “infidel” is to save their lives. I think? Or is this scene just going to end? Yup. It just ended. DAMMIT!
Back to Andy and friends. Holy crap, these girls are faeries. OH. MY. GOSH. TRUE. BLOOD. What IS this? What just happened? They’re in a burlesque club… I seriously thought they were faeries. They opened a portal in the middle of nowhere. Guys, you’ll enjoy True Blood more if you stop trying to figure it out and just let it take you along for its retarded ride. That girl kind of looks like that wrestler. The one with George Clooney. I’m literally pausing the episode to look up her name. Stacy Kiebler. Right. Hey, it’s that girl that… raped Andy? Or something? These are faeries, right?
Yup, Sookie’s drunk. She’s singing along to “If You Like Pina Coladas” but substituting some of the lyrics for vampire related things. LaFayette found her car and is super worried. They’re talking on the phone. Blegh. Alcide is there. Sookie seems a lot less drunk now. “You smell like mint and peaches.” “And you smell like aqua velva!” Good dialogue True Blood.
WHY IS THIS EPISODE SO LONG?! Ugh. Why are HBO shows so long? We’re at 44 minutes and I’m so ready to be DONE! What if I just pretend True Blood was the same length as every other network program? What if I just stopped watching when I got to 42 minutes? I bet that would be pretty interesting, hey? I legitimately just skipped an entire Terry/Foley scene. It’s too bad, because it looks like it was important. Something about fire and painting and one of their marine buddies.
Sam’s getting ready to go running with his shifter friends, but OH SNAP THEY ARE BOTH DEAD! What a weird scene. There is way too much going on in this show.
Pam is making Tara get out of bed to eat. She makes an eating disorder joke. “Listen, you seem-” “Delicious?” Oh Melanie! Such wit! Pam is now commanding Tara to feed.
MELONI! He opens a box and pulls out an ornate looking steak. I mean stake. I’m hungry. Apparently it’s made from the wood of the Judas tree? So biblical True Blood. The tip is melted down from the 30 pieces of silver. At least, that’s what the Vampire Diaries say. Whoa! Meloni is searching the chancellors quarters. WHICH ONE OF THEM IS THE INFIDEL?! NOT THE CHILD! DON’T LET IT BE THE CHILD! Yep, it’s the child. Oh well… Meloni just blew him up. This would be a great place to end the episode.
Alcide and Sookie are still drinking. Alcide’s not a fan of the orange marzipan Sookie made him. And now they’re kissing. Bill’s watching from the window. Eric pulls up behind him. “Awkward time for a drop-in Bill”. HAH!
Oh, it’s back to burlesque faerieland. Stacy Kiebler is pleasuring Jason and reading his mind. And then he recognizes… his cousin? I guess this is where Jason realizes that this is a faerie place? And Jason just found out that his parents were eaten by vampires. Kiebler is pissed off. All the faeries are trying to stop him now. FAERIE FIGHT! The faerie bouncers just kicked them out of the faerie place and I’VE SAID FAERIE SO MANY TIMES TONIGHT AND THE EPISODE IS OVER THANK YOU!
Word Count: 1,996 (Told you it wouldn’t be 2,000!!!)