TRUE BLOG! VOLUME 2, SEASON 5, EPISODE 5: “Let’s Boot and Rally”

HOLY MOLY IT’S ANOTHER SCINTILLATING INSTALLMENT OF TRRRUUUUEEEEEE BLLLLOOOOGGGGG!!!!!!

LET’S DO IT! Previously on True Blood… FAERIE BOUNCERS! And if you were expecting this episode to start where last week’s cliffhanger left off, you would be disappointed, because instead you’re getting Sookie/Alcide sexy times, which would, frankly, disappoint anyone. HEY, Sookie threw up! “Alcide, you sure know how to treat a lady”. HA! Eric Northman. Too funny. GOOD START GUYS!

CLAPPING CHOIR LADIES! CUTE BUM! SNAKEY SNAKE! KKK BABY! CREEPY ROCKING CHAIR DUDE! FILM MELTING! HAND BRA! SHADY PLACE AT NIGHT! SUZUKI! GRINDING! PRAYING LADIES! MAGGOT FOX! TRUE. BLOG! IS. HERE!

LaFayette is at home freaking out about that entire car thing and now he’s burning incense to ward off the evil spirits. Oh, hey, he’s praying! HAHAHA, all of LaFayette’s little idols are talking to him. That’s so silly. He just stomped on them all. And now he’s talking Jesus. No, not that Jesus. The Mexican one. Remember? The one whose body went missing? In like… the first episode?

Dancing Dolls

Now Terry and Foley are being tied up by their crazy marine friend. He wants to know if “anything” followed them there. And… that scene is over.

Jason is wearing a He-Man onesie. And watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? WHAAAAAAA??? I’m sorry, this blog might be top-heavy on the pictures. Too much weird stuff going on up front. Jason’s parents are now bleeding from their neck… into their cereal… and his mom just offered him a blowjob? WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD TRUE BLOOD GROSS! Sorry, if I wasn’t clear, Jason was dreaming and he was a kid again (except not) and his parents were eating breakfast. Jason just woke up, answered his phone, and asked what year it was. Oh Jason. Why are you sleeping naked? Haha, Andy is naked too. And he’s at Arlene’s house. Is he staying there? I don’t know anything about this show.

He-Man Jason

Bill and Eric are asking Sookie to unglamour Alcide’s employee… you know, the one who found Edgington? BECAUSE WE ALL REMEMBER ALL THE PLOT DETAILS OF THIS COMPLEX PROGRAM. Bill, Eric, and Alcide just got into a testosterone contest and then Sookie starts laughing. She is SNAPPING. She has finally come to terms with the fact that this is her life from now on and now she’s all gung-ho. Off to find Edgington!

Tara’s dressed up all stripper-like at Fangtasia. Pam thinks she looks halfway decent. Apparently she works at Fangtasia now. “You want me to bartend?” “No, I want you to sit on your ass and play Scrabble.” Tara went from tending bar at Merlott’s to tending bar at Fangtasia. She tries to suck some blood from a customer and Pam bitch slaps her. Hey, Jessica’s there! Hi Jessica!

Remember that employee of Alcide? His name is Doug! Sookie’s reading his mind. He was eating nachos. Damn, I want nachos. It’s 2:52 AM. Too late to make nachos. AGH, I really want nachos now. Shoot. It’s too late for me to leave the house. I HATE MY LIFE! I want nachos so bad. Oh, anyways, uh… some female vampire with a necklace dug up Edgington with her hands. He looks pretty… red and bloody. Apparently cement takes your skin off? Bill says it’s Nora. Eric says it’s not.

Hey, look, it’s Nora and she’s wearing the necklace. Apparently she’s a warrior of Lilith, whatever they are. And they’re coming for all of “you”. Which is to say… the Authority I guess? The Authority is keeping tabs on Bill and Eric. Apparently they went to the Quik-E-Mart for a jumbo coffee and a box of Nutter Butters. Thanks for delivering that line German dude. There’s totally a clean-up crew cleaning the carpet where child vampyr was murdered. NICE DETAILS TRUE BLOOD! Salami is visiting Meloni, who seems sad over child vampyr’s death. They drafted the Vampire Rights Amendment together. This recap is getting way too recappy I think. We’re talking about the Sanguinistas again. Salami thinks that Meloni should think about throwing them a bone, whatever that means. True Blood’s plot is too complex for me to follow you guys.

Back to Terry and Foley. Bad Marine is going to shoot them. Terry talks him down by asking questions about the fires. Remember the fires? THERE WERE FIRES GUYS! MOVING FIRES! THE FIRE WAS ALIVE! IT INTERCEPTED THEM! AND BAD MARINE SAW IT ALL!!! IT WAS LOOKING AT HIM! IT WAS FOLLOWING HIM! LIVING FLAME! IT’S CALLED IFRIT! How does he know? He something’d it. That’s a little Arrested Development humor for you. Oh, apparently when the Marine’s were in the field shooting all the civilians, there was a woman who cursed them. Oh snap, it turns out that after they slaughtered everyone, the woman was still alive, and instead of helping her, they shot her. “May the Ifrit burn you all and everything you’ve ever loved” is what she said. She summoned Ifrit, like in Final Fantasy. She equipped the materia orb she found on the Shinra cargo ship after defeating Jenova BIRTH and summoned him. That’s right, I totally looked up a Final Fantasy VII strategy guide for that info.

Ifrit as he appears in Final Fantasy VII
Ifrit as he appears in Final Fantasy VII

Oh hey, Jason and Andy are investigating the deaths of those shifters that Sam was going to run with who were shot in the head REMEMBER? Haha, Jason started talking about the faerie bouncers (he actually used those words) and Andy told him to “watch that homo talk […] folks will sue you for that shit”. Jason explains that those people were actually faeries, like Tinkerball. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Tinkerball. Andy doesn’t care if those ladies were faeries or leprechauns or ewoks. Andy asks Sam if he’s got any info on the victims and Sam just opens up about the fact that he’s a shifter. I guess nobody in Bon Temps even cares anymore. They just assume that everyone is some kind supernatural freak.

Tara’s now serving Jessica at Fangtasia. Jessica being her usual adorable self. She’s telling Tara that she understands how awful and lonely it can be. Oh Jessica, YOU’RE SO GREAT! I want to marry you. Did I just say that? Jessica just offered to be Tara’s friend. I mean, I hate Tara, but that was sweet. Jessica’s going to teach her how to appreciate her vampire self. “Have you fed on a human yet?” “Yeah… it was aight.” Now they’re getting into the kinky stuff. Woo boy, I’m starting to sweat. Is it hot in here? Just let me open that window… oh, it’s already open. Yikes. Where are those nachos?

“Alcide, are we going to talk about the fact that I puked on your shoes?” “Nope.” Bill thinks that Nora set this entire thing up to lead them to Edgington. Eric is still on Team Nora though. WAIT! HOLD UP! It’s that girl from Veronica Mars. She has called to tell Bill and Eric that they’re dead if they haven’t found Edgington by dawn. AND SHE SAYS HER NAME IS SAMALI OR SOMETHING SIMILAR. IS SHE SALAMI/CELERY? IF SO, WHO IS THE OTHER GIRL I’VE BEEN CALLING SALAMI? WHY CAN’T THE OTHER VAMPIRES HAVE NORMAL NAMES LIKE BILL, ERIC, AND PAM?! I hate this show.

Jason has found a wooden bullet with a silver core. IT’S A CLUE! Someone’s hunting supernatural things! Jason thinks it’s crazy that this stuff has been going on for years and they only started realizing it because the vampires “came out of the coffin”. Interesting idea True Blood. I bet you will do nothing with it EVER.

“New York City smells like pee and the people are rude.” Eric strikes with another zinger! The Scooby Gang is in this abandoned insane asylum searching for Edgington. Doug is freaking out. Hey, there’s a bunch of rats feeding on dead bodies! Thanks True Blood!

Tara’s having a smoke outside of Fangtasia and I bet something I don’t care about while happen in a few seconds. HOLY CRAP IT’S GOTH HOYT! I was right, I DON’T care about him! Oh my gosh, are Hoyt and Tara going to hook up? BARF. Tara tells him to go home to his mama. NO! THAT’S EVEN WORSE! Tara, drain him dry.

Back to Edgington Quest. They’re now in the morg-jeez, that scene ended before I could even finish typing the sentence. ADD much True Blood? WHY DID THAT SCENE HAVE TO GO THERE?! IT WAS 10 SECONDS LONG!

Marine flashback. They’re burning the bodies. I bet that that’s what summoned Ifrit or something? Yeah. Yeah. Terry thinks they need to leave and the other marine goes “No, we’re safe. The walls are flame retardant and I installed a sprinkler”. IDIOT. It’s IFRIT! You can’t stop a summon! Finally marine agrees and unties them. As soon as Foley gets free, he beats up the marine and is all like “Nice acting Terry!” and he’s like “No, I actually believe in the Ifrit!” and Foley is having NONE OF IT. I don’t like Scott Foley very much. Hey look, it’s the Ifrit! It totes kill the crazy marine who’s not crazy.

True Blood Ifrit

Yay, back LaFayette, who we haven’t seen in a millennium. JESUS’ HEAD IS ON A TABLE! AND HIS MOUTH IS SEWED UP! And… who is that? LaFayette’s mom? And she’s like “JESUS! Where have you been?” And… and… WHAT? I don’t… what is this even?

Jesus Head

Doug just ran away from the Scooby Gang and now a bunch of hanging people are screaming and I CAN’T TAKE THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING! This guy was on Atkins and lost 40 lbs. That’s his plea to not be eaten. Convincing argument hanging guy.

LET’S JUMP TO ANOTHER SCENE! Look, it’s horse lady! Have we even SEEN her this season? I’m assuming yes, but I haven’t seen her since summer 2012, so it feels like FOREVER girl how you been? Oh dude… Sam’s totally used the tragedy to hit on horse lady. Come on out Emma. Let’s see that cute wolf onesie! Give it up Sam, she’s over you. And I’m over this scene. OH SNAP! Sam just got his ass shot! AND HORSE LADY WAS JUST SHOT TOO! AND NOW EMMA IS GOING TO GET SHOT! Except she turned into a wolf! In her night gown! CUTE!

Emma the Wolf in a Night Gown

Back to Christopher Meloni and his chancellors. He’s now questioning whether or not they’re willing to share this world. It’s voice over time! Jason’s at his parents grave. Oh, I get why Jason made that comment about supernatural things killing other things a long time ago… his parents were killed by vampires before they came out of the coffin! And… a pointless scene of the Scooby Gang searching the asylum. Meloni’s asking whether they want to go back into hiding or if they want to continue on their current path. Tara and Jessica are feasting on humans in different bathroom stalls. AND TARA’S FEEDING ON HOYT! And Jessica hears! And she attacks Tara and they are fighting! And Meloni’s still talking but there was a girl fight! And… the Scooby gang ahs found… something. And Meloni is saying that they’ll fight? I don’t… I wasn’t following. Oh hey, it’s Russell Edgington! He is bed ridden. And… WHAT?! THAT’S THE END OF THE EPISODE?! WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?! Eric’s like “I’ma kill you Russ!” and Edgington is like “Give it your best shot” and then you see Alcide in the background and he makes a noise and like… falls over, or draws away or… you can’t really tell. He’s not even in focus. And they all turn around. And that’s it. THAT’S the big cliffhanger. A vague, out-of-focus “something” happening to Alcide. Oh, and SAM AND LUNA WERE SHOT. AND TARA AND JESSICA ARE FIGHTING! AND IFRIT! AND JESUS SEWED UP MOUTH HEAD! WHAT IS THIS?! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH TRUE BLOOD!

Word Count: 1,967 (We’re getting BETTER!)

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