Canadian Horror Blog: Asylum – Episode 2

Canadian Horror Blog: Asylum

BLOODY FACE! Our story picks up immediately where the last episode left off with a Bloody Face look-alike chasing Slutty Slutty Bang Bang through the present day Briarcliff. She races back to husband Levine and tries to drag him through a door but is unsuccessful so she slams the door shut and leaves Adam Levine to the killer. REAL NICE WIFE. WHAT HAPPENED TO ‘TIL DEATH DO US PART? She peaks through the mail slot (okay, it’s a feeding slot) and watches Bloody Face STAB ADAM LEVINE TO DEATH! He’s got those moves with dagger, am I right? HAH.

1964. Clea DuVall is a WRECK you guys. She wants to recant, as if that will do any good in getting Lana out of Briarcliff. There’s a knock on the door. “Don’t answer it, it’s Bloody Face” protests one of Clea’s friends. Her fat friend is like “Don’t be silly, he’s locked up with Lana!” and she goes to answer the door. It’s just trick ‘r treaters getting a head start because that is a thing that anybody does? It’s okay though, they’re the most understanding trick ‘r treaters ever. “I don’t have any caaanndddyyy” Clea says through tears. “That’s okay”, they reply, “We’ll just come back tomorrow”. Wow. How reasonable. Clea decides to go and have a shower, which ALWAYS works out in a horror story. DON’T YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THE SHOW? YOU GONE DIE BITCH! Sorry. I feel like I’m maybe being racist. Clea gets out of the shower and discovers that her windows open. You know what that means? BLOODY FACE! Told you she was going to die.

It’s time for the Briarcliff patients to wake up. All of our favorite characters are drawn out of their cells for a room search. APPARENTLY HEFFER’S NAME IS PEPPER! Whoops. Pepper was keeping bread in her room, which is a violation because RATS. Chloe Sevigny chimes in with “Hey sister, I have a cucumber in my room… but not because I was hungry”. Lovely. Lana was keeping story notes in her pillow case because a reporter’s work is never over! Sister Jude chastises her, explaining that she’s read her hard-hitting reports on baked beans and lost geese. “Too bad your ambition outweighs your talent”, which is how I often feel about this stupid blog.

Time to visit James Cromwell! Sister Jude would like Dr. Arden to erase some of Lana’s memories. She suggests electroshock therapy, which surprises Arden because of, well, all of their previous interactions. But, as Voldemort requested, Jude is now playing nice with the good doctor, so the electroshock therapy goes ahead. Lana is none too pleased. Lana, just relax. This is American Horror Story. No one’s leaving this season alive.

So I was mistaken. That song that’s playing in the common area isn’t German, it’s French, which shows you how much I know about ANYTHING. Oh hey, it’s Sylar! Dr. Sylar is the shrink sent to examine Kit and decide whether or not he’s fit to stand trial. Of course, all Kit can talk about are the martians, which leads Dr. Sylar to believe that Kit is clinically insane. Oh well.

Dr. Arden goes to visit Sister Mary. They’re investigating the creatures in the woods. What do you guys think they are? I think they are werewolves because American Horror Story has DONE EVERYTHING ELSE. To show his gratitude, Arden offers Mary a candy apple. Mary doesn’t want to because Sister Jude told her that sweets lead to sin, which is probably true, because my thighs are absolutely EVIL, am I right ladies? Seriously American Horror Story? There wasn’t a razor blade in that apple? Color me disappointed. You’re not a real horror story AT ALL.

But Doctor, it'll go right to my thighs!
But Doctor, it’ll go right to my thighs!

Kit and Grace are hanging out in the common area and talking about how to escape while Lana eavesdrops. Not even electroshock therapy can stop this whippersnapper!

Dr. Sylar wants to talk to Sister Jude about the conditions at the hospital. He is not impressed. Sister Jude is indignant. She tells Sylar to get lost as she’s got an appointment with two parents who want their child cured of… chronic masturbation? Oh my. As I said before, what would American Horror Story be without masturbation? Suddenly, Sylar bursts in and slices open her head! JK, he just introduces himself to the parents. The parents explain that their son, Jed, sees things and hears voices. Apparently they found Jed in the barn, covered in blood, speaking a foreign language, and eating the heart of an animal. So… demon possession? Yeah, that fits. Bring it on AHS! Time to visit Jed! Oh yeah, he is most DEFINITELY possessed.

That's NEVER a good sign.
That’s NEVER a good sign.

Time for more Lana Winters. She’s having a bath with Grace. Well, not WITH Grace, but Grace is in the same room. They are strapped into their baths with cloths, but Grace cuts her way out and there’s Grace’s bum. Lana wants to escape and she wants Grace’s help. Grace will only help if Kit goes as well. Lana refuses. “You have trouble trusting people, don’t you?” “You would too if the person you loved the most betrayed you”. Lana, that happened like TWO DAYS AGO. That’s NOT what Grace was talking about.

Dr. Arden is approached by Chloe Slutvigny. “Want to see my candy apple?” “Come on doc, bend me over a bread rack and pound me into shape.” Those are some choice quotes from Chloe, in case you guys were interested. She really just wants to go outside you guys. She’ll do anything. “No”, Arden says, “Whore’s get nothing”. Chloe says she’s not a whore, she just likes pleasure. And now she’s talking about masturbating. BECAUSE AMERICAN HORROR STORY! She started when she was 5. Her mother used to make her wear mittens to bed, because yeah, that would have stopped someone… were the mittens locked on? Anyways, apparently she ran away and got married to a guy who cheated on her all the time. He caught her in bed with two navy men and she claimed she was doing a service for her country. Her husband hit her and threw her in the nuthouse. So… yeah, she’s locked up because she likes sex. I guess that kind of stuff actually happened back then. Yikes. LOOK HOW FAR WE’VE COME YOU GUYS! In the 60’s Ryan Murphy would have been throw in jail just for MAKING American Horror Story.

Oh snap you guys, it’s EXORCIST TIME! Monsignor Voldemort has arrived to deal with Jed! Oh snap, he’s brought an spunky English priest in a wheelchair!

Grace and Lana are whispering in the common room again. Lana’s writing notes again. Kit steals them in order to hide them. I guess he’s trying to gain Lana’s trust? Maybe? Cue Semisonic’s “Closing Time” as the guards come and shut down the common room. No tomfoolery when there’s an exorcism going on!

Wheelchair priest sends Sister Jude out of the room while he, Monsignor Voldemort, and Dr. Sylar go about doing God’s work.

Meanwhile, Dr. Arden is visited by a lady caller! “Are we having dinner? You only booked me for an hour and a half.” “I find the anticipation for more erotic than the act itself.” “I find a big cock even more erotic.” Oh COME ON American Horror Story. “If you’re going to be vulgar I’d rather you not speak at all.” Arden puts her in her place. Arden is such a classy fellow. A bit of a misogynist as well, I’d imagine. This lady’s got some rules – no alcohol and no lip kissing. She wants to dance instead! And Arden threatens her with a knife. Nice date! Now he’s talking about Bloody Face while slicing up a chunk of meat. That’s not awkward at all.

Exorcism. Jed’s acting just like every other demon-possessed person in a movie. Uh oh, Jed just tossed wheelchair priest out of his wheelchair! Sister Jude is summoned to watch over Jed while they see to the wheelchair priest. You can bet something goes wrong here. Sister Jude lets herself into the room and demon Jed starts chastising her and making remarks about her sexuality. Aannnddd FLASHBACK! Sister Jude is a bar singer and has sex with many soldiers I’d imagine. Demon Jed refers to her as… the town pump? Was that it? Oh, and Sister “Judy” hits a young girl while driving home drunk. The girl dies and she is never caught. Sister ain’t no saint, that’s for sure. She begins attacking Jed and has to be pulled off by Sylar and Voldemort. You’d think Jed would be no match for those two. The power in the facility goes out as Sylar injects Jed with a sedative. All of the doors to the patients rooms open as a siren blares in the distance. Spooky. I love that noise. Time for Lana and Grace to make their escape. Jed goes into cardiac arrest and Sylar gives him mouth-to-mouth? Gross. As Lana and Grace make their escape, Kit shows up. Lana refuses to leave with him. It’s apparently very important to Lana that Kit remains locked up because she sabotages the escape attempt by screaming for help. Really Lana? You’d rather stay in Briarcliff then let out someone who may or may not be Bloody Face? You deserve whatever you get Lana. The guards arrive and beat the crap out of Kit. Lana weeps silently. Grace is furious. Monsignor Voldemort completes the exorcism, but Jed dies as a result. And… the cross falls off the wall. Sister Mary faints. Or is she possessed?

Ew. Dr. Arden has instructed his prostitute to remove her makeup and dress up as a nun. She discovers a collection of photos showing women that are bound, gagged, and beaten. James Cromwell, you are a dirty old man. He forces her to lie on the bed and asks her to… show him her “mossy bank”. Oh COME ON MURPHY AND FALCHUK. Arden moves in and she bites his arm and knees him in the ground. Sister can look after herself.

Sister Jude delivers the bad news to Jed’s parents. Exorcisms rarely end well.

Arden goes to visit Sister Mary in the infirmary. He pulls her gown down to protect her modesty. He apparently views her much differently than he does his prostitutes. Oh, he sneaks a peak at her chest before averting his gaze. What is up with this guy? Sister Mary covers herself up with a blanket. Arden claims that he sees the human body as nothing more than a machine, but his actions would suggest otherwise. As Arden leaves, Sister Mary whips the covers off and the cross on the wall shakes. POSSESSED! Called it.

Called it!
Called it!

Sister Jude and Lana Winters are having a meeting. Sister Jude has a newfound appreciation for Lana after she betrayed Kit and Grace. She wants to give Lana a treat. Her reward? She DOESN’T get punished. Kit and Grace are brought in to get spanked. Lana selects the stick by which the two will get beat. Kit tells Sister Jude that Grace was simply a pawn, so he receives her punishment as well as his own. How gallant. The show is doing its damndest to make us believe that Kit is innocent, but what if he actually IS Bloody Face? It seems to make sense that the spider chip in his neck could have been controlling his actions and driving him to do awful things, no?

Well that’s your second episode. Still crazy. Still stupid. Still VERY sexual. Aliens, serial killers, demons, and potentially werewolves. What will we add to the list next? Hopefully a swamp monster. Swamp monsters are seriously underrepresented in modern horror. There’s certainly a lot of disturbing things going on in Briarcliff. It’s interesting that they’re mixing disturbing elements of both the supernatural and realistic varieties. The episode gets it’s darkness not just from things like demons, but also from misogyny, sexism, and homophobia. The characters may be haunted by the supernatural, but they’re also haunted by the depravity of humanity as well. Just ask Sister Prostitute. Until next time… “Whore’s get nothing”.

PS. You know what this show is missing? Marcia Gay Harden. Have you seen The Mist? She’d be fantastic in this show.


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