Canadian Horror Blog: Asylum – Episode 3

Canadian Horror Blog: Asylum

Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Levine is a superhero. The episode opens with the scene from last week’s episode in which Adam Levine’s character is stabbed to death. OR NOT. Just as Bloody Face is about to kill Slutty Slutty Bang Bang, Adam Levine jumps to the rescue, shoving Bloody Face over and… killing him with his own ice pick? Like I said, super hero. Except NOT! Because there are two more Bloody Faces! And Adam Levine and Slut Wife get shot multiple times! They are dead now. Supposedly. As it turns out, the Bloody Faces (including the one lying dead by Adam Levine’s hand) were just stupid guys in masks who were… what? Playing a trick? A trick involving killing? One of the guys feels remorse, but the other seems elated. And then they notice that Adam Levine’s arm is ripped off and they realize that they could have never done that. And then ANOTHER BLOODY FACE COMES ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PRESENT DAY THING?

"It's getting harder and harder to breath" or "Won't go home with you" or "She won't be loved"
“It’s getting harder and harder to breath” or “Won’t go home with you” or “She won’t be loved”

1964. Sister Mary brings Sister Judy a newspaper that reveals that the body of the girl she ran over has been found. Is Demon Mary just screwing with Sister Jude? Meanwhile, Dr. Arden is investigating alien microchips that magically join together! This episode is off to a great, scattered start. But there’s a “noreaster” storm coming, so that should be eventful! Hey, Dr. Sylar is still hanging around. He’s still giving Sister Jude a hard time about, well, pretty much everything. She wants him gone. He wants… I don’t know. Justice?

Oh yeah, Sister Mary is DEFINITELY possessed. She carries herself completely differently and the one of the patients recognizes her for what (or who) she truly is. Meanwhile, Kit and Grace are planning ANOTHER escape attempt. Sigh. When the storm hits, Sister Jude is planning on showing a movie to the patients to keep them from panicking. Kit and Grace think that this will be a great time to escape, because I’m sure it will be that easy, especially with Lana the Narc snooping around.

Oh yeah, Sister Demon Mary is DEFINITELY screwing with Sister Jude, traipsing around the hospital in “ravishing red” lipstick, trying to turn Arden and Jude against one another (more so than they already are). Meanwhile, Dr. Arden is showing Kit the alien microchip. He wants to know “who Kit is working for”. Dr. Paranoid thinks that Kit was sent to spy on him. Yes Arden, the JEWS sent Kit to spy on you.

The patient who recognized Sister Mary earlier is praying in her room when Sister Mary enters. She tries to ward her away with a cross to no avail. Sister Mary leads in her prayer and then stabs her in the neck with a pair of scissors because she obviously knew too much. Or because she needed meat to feed the WEREWOLVES IN THE FOREST!

Is Sister Mary in EVERY SCENE this episode? Here she is visiting Dr. Arden who is a paranoid pervert. Why exactly do they have to get these creatures through the winter? Who put them in Dr. Arden’s care? This show makes no sense. Anyways, Sister Mary is now coming on to Dr. Arden HARD. He’s resisting and she’s just laughing. Who knew he was such a sad little panty waste? Her words, not mine.

Lana seeks a word with Dr. Sylar in private. She wants to get word to Clea DuVall, who is, of course, dead. Dr. Sylar’s like “You’re asking me to betray Sister Jude?” but his eyes say “You’re asking me to betray Sister Jude!!!” So of course he’ll do it. In the kitchen, Chloe Slutvigny asks Grace to let her escape with them.

Dr. Arden is spending the night at Briarcliff because of the storm. Sister Jude confronts him about the “Ravish Me Red” lipstick. Dr. Arden’s all “Sister Mary has been corrupted!” and Sister Jude is like “It’s your fault!” and Dr. Arden is like “My feelings are pure!” and Sister Jude is like “I see what you’re doing! You’re trying to take over the institute!” and Dr. Arden’s like “You’re crazy! Maybe you should take a leave of absence” and Sister Jude is like “I’m on to you” and that those two just had two completely different conversations with one another. Oh, and the girl Sister Jude hit and killed? Yeah, she calls Sister Jude up on the phone. And leaves her glasses on Sister Jude’s desk? GHOST! It’s enough to drive Sister Jude back to the drink! And drink she does. All of it.

Dr. Arden investigates the “Ravish Me Red” lipstick while the radio behind him discusses mysterious lights seen in the sky. The Sisters try to calm the patients down for the movie. Sister Jude is DRUNK. MOVIE TIME! At least it would be if Drunk Sister Jude would shut up. She’s losing it. Lana asks Dr. Sylar if he got a chance to speak with Clea DuVall. He explains that he tried to contact her and that when he went to her house, she was gone. He explains that there were similarities between Clea’s disappearance those of the other victims of the Bloody Face. MAYBE YOU WERE WRONG LANA? She dismisses herself, shortly after pretty much EVERY OTHER PATIENT does. This play sure is secure… There are at least 3 people trying to escape. Oh, and Lana’s there. So 4. I guess that the revelation of Clea has shown her the light and she’s finally ready to play nice. The same can’t be said for Grace, however. Luckily for Lana, Kit steps in and splits them up. Oh look, an orderly! They’re all going to get caught! So Chloe Slutvigny sacrifices herself by trying to perform oral sex on the orderly. I guess that’s what you call a distraction?

Dr. Arden has used the ravishing red lipstick to paint on an angel statue. He screams “Whore!” at it and pushes it over. And Slutvigny pushes over Carl the orderly. And AN ALIEN! IT’S THERE! Chloe makes a run for it! And Arden stops her! And calls her a whore, as he is want to do! But guys, AN ALIEN!

AN ALIEN!
AN ALIEN!

Anyways, Kit, Grace, and Lana decide they can’t wait for Slutvigny and proceed through the tunnel, escaping from Briarcliff. I wonder how long that’ll last.

FINALLY, Dr. Sylar notices that some of the patients are missing. Sister Mary is notified. She is very upset to be torn away from her movie. Meanwhile, Dr. Arden is in the process or raping Chloe Slutvigny. And you know what the best thing to do in a rape scenario is? Laugh at the size of the rapists penis. Oh Chloe Slutvigny. Arden, is, of course, not pleased by this development, so he clubs her over the head.

Outside of Briarcliff, the escapees stumble upon the body of the Mexican woman that Sister Mary killed earlier, which means they also stumble upon the werewolves of the woods. Except they aren’t werewolves. Well, maybe they are. But currently they are grotesque looking humans, and the chase the escapees right back into Briarcliff! I knew it wouldn’t last long!

Zombies maybe?
Zombies maybe?

Sister Jude is passed out in a room. Sister Mary shows up to alert her to the escapees. Sister Jude returns to the movie to chastise the remaining patients. Kit, Grace, and Lana are back, a little wet, but none the worse for wear, so the blame falls on Chloe Slutvigny, the Mexican, and Pepper. One of which is dead, one of which is peeing, and one of which is waking up in Dr. Arden’s lab. Unfortunately for Chloe Slutvigny, everyone thinks that she’s escaped, so no one is looking for her inside the hospital. HOLY ****. DR. ARDEN AMPUTATED HER LEGS. WHAT? AMERICAN HORROR STORY. Jeeeezzzz.

Well… one more episode down. Are we only on episode 3? HOW HAS SO MUCH STUFF HAPPENED? HOW ARE THERE STILL 10 EPISODES LEFT!? WE’VE ALREADY HAD DEMON POSSESSIONS AND WOODS CREATURES AND ALIENS AND AMPUTATIONS AND RAPE AND EXORCISMS AND MURDERS GALORE! How much crazier can this get? Until next time… “WHORE!”

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