Yup. It’s that time again. Blog Brother. Season 3 (we won’t count the one post I did on Big Brother last season). I’m doing things a bit differently this time, because, well… these things are a bitch to write. First off, I’m going to try to make them shorter. More concise. I’ll be trying to focus more on the important stuff and the funny stuff, with lots of snarky opinions thrown in. Secondly, I’m going to be organizing things a bit better with sub-headings so you’re not just looking at paragraph after paragraph after paragraph. Thirdly, there are going to be a lot fewer pictures. The reason for this is because I’m lazy and finding those screen captures (or taking them myself) is time consuming and anything that could potentially hinder me from writing and publishing these blogs is a bad thing. I’ll scatter a few here and there, especially if there’s a particular moment that is just begging for it, but it won’t be like previous blogs. While it may sound like I’m being lazy, all of these changes are being done in the hopes that I’ll actually be able to publish these things in a timely manner (or publish them at all). Last season I started and gave up, getting so far behind that I binge-watched the entire season over the course of two weeks. The season prior, I was publishing 3-4 blog posts a day towards the end of the show in an effort to catch up in time for the finale. I can’t guarantee that these changes will have the desired effect or that these posts will always go up in a timely fashion, but hey, I may as well try. So, without further ado, I present to you my
Paola – She’s a DJ. Which is great, because DJ’s don’t have to talk right? They just have to spin. They make sounds without opening their mouth. Their voice isn’t heard. In a perfect world, their voices would not be heard. Do you see where I’m going with this? The only thing more annoying than Paola’s voice is her personality. And pronouncing her name. Pah-oh-la? I’m pronouncing it Paula. Deal with it. This girl is ridiculous. She bought three months worth of fake eye lashes, all so that you would “KNOW WHO THE HOTTEST ONE IS!!!” Barf.
Donny – Oh boy. Donny’s a groundskeeper for a school system. Have you guys seen True Detective? I mean, I don’t know about you but… I don’t think I can ever trust school groundskeeper ever again. Especially one who eats pop tarts for breakfast.
Cody – He says he was a professional soccer player, which means he’ll be a huge threat in the game. Because he’s so good at acting. Do you see what I did there? You thought I was going to say “because his athleticism gives him an edge in competitions” or something, but no, I meant that soccer players dive and pretend to be hurt and you know what it’s not important. What IS important is CODY’S SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE!!!
Frankie – Well, I know who my favorite player of the season is going to be! ANYONE BUT FRANKIE. He’s a YouTube personality, as well as a kids dance teacher and former Broadway performer with blue hair. Oh, and he’s related to… a Starbucks beverage? Hold on. … Oh, ARIANA Grande. Okay, that makes more sense. Oh boy, what a target that’ll put on his back… I told my sister who he was related to and she went “Who?” So yeah… I bet Donny will peg him the moment he lays eyes on him. “Hey buddy, you done look just like pop sensation Ariana Grande!” I hope the entire house finds out because it’s going to be so hard for Frankie, being away from his sister… and not seeing her singles reach #1 on the Billboard charts… Oh well, at least he’ll be able to parade around in his heels to make himself feel better.
Amber – Attractive, athletic country girl who loves shooting guns. Wait, what? Why is that relevant?
Nicole – A small town tractor girl. You know this girl is going to be hilarious. I cannot wait to see the pearls of wisdom she dispenses this season. I mean, this girl wants to sleep with someone in the Big Brother house NOT because she’s looking to hook up, but because she is terrified of ghosts. TERRIFIED. Of. Ghosts.
Devin – “Not The Rock” Devin is a former pro baseball player and single dad. Who isn’t The Rock. Just in case you weren’t sure. He’s not The Rock. But I bet his pecs are as hard as a Rock. I bet he’s got some guns that Amber would love…
Joey – A liberal makeup artist. It’s her way or the highway guys. Left wing is the only way to be. Left wing is not the highway, because it’s her way. I bet she’s going to be a real delight and not at ALL annoying EVER.
Once More Unto The Breach:
Julie opts to let these eight into the house first, as she often does. The difference this summer is that the other eight are nowhere to be seen. Part of a twist? You bet your bottom dollar.
Up first are Amber, Joey, Cody, and Donny, followed shortly by Devin, Nicole, Paola, and Frankie. After getting settled, they sit down for the annual meet-and-great, minus the other eight. Nicole’s so excited that she has to keep reminding herself to not pee her pants. Because apparently that’s a thing that she has had trouble with in the past.
Paola is up first. Or should I say Pow Pow is up first? Because Pow Pow is what somebody somewhere calls her, and Cody would definitely like to “pow pow” if you know what I mean. Cody wants to bang her. There, I spelled it out for you. Donny goes next. Nicole is very receptive to him because they’re both super odd country bumpkins. Or because they’re both shy and quiet or something. Does anyone else think Nicole comes off as quiet? I mean, compared to what? A jet engine? Cody introduces himself and the ladies swoooooon. Pow Pow wants to pow pow Cody, as does Frankie, so that should be awkward. Especially considering that Joey thinks that she and Frankie are soul mates. But most likely in a platonic way, because… well… Frankie loves Cody. And everyone loves Devin, because he’s the single dad version of The Rock, so yeah, of course everyone wants to pow pow him. And by everyone I mean Amber. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT SHE WOULD WANT TICKETS TO WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING? You thought I was going to say gun show. HAH. First twist of the season. Unfortunately for Amber, Devin is smitten by Joey. Which… strikes me as an add choice? But apparently Joey is Devin’s version of a perfect 10. Good for you buddy. Way to be… different. You know who else is different? Nicole. Little miss awkward is apparently a nursing student, so I guess my respect for her just went up (I’m friends with a lot of nurses). Donny wants to partner up with Nicole, in what I’m assuming and hoping is a non-sexual way. Man, doesn’t it seem like every single person has paired off? Donny and Nicole like one another. Cody and Paola want to pow pow. Frankie and Joey are soul mates. Amber loves Devin’s guns. IT’S LIKE THIS WAS PLANNED!
And before anyone has even had the chance to remember anyone else’s names, they’re planning an alliance. They know that another eight houseguests are entering the house, so they want to make sure that they’ve all got each other’s backs. They’re calling themselves “The Crazy 8’s”, which I’m hoping that other 8 come up with as well, because how generic a nickname is that? I hope one of the alliances is called “The Octopus” or “The Octagon” or “Eeeeiiigghhtt” like the Fonz would say it. Good joke. Now everyone’s taking off their shirts because I don’t know Big Brother? Donny is so lost. “I don’t do crunches, I don’t do sit-ups… uh… no.” I’m with you Donny. And you know who else is with Donny? Devin. Because they’re making a side alliance called “Double D’s” that nobody will see coming because nobody ever sees double D’s coming their way, am I right? Guys? Guys, what are you… MY EYES ARE UP HERE! Speaking of boobs, the girls are also making a side alliance, primarily because they’re certain the guys already did. They’re half right. Pow Pow just KNOWS that Frankie and Cody are going to form an alliance. That’s not the half they’re right about, but whatever. They don’t want a man winning the game this season, so they’ve got to give America hope that women can work together by forming the “El Quatro” alliance. What. The. Frankie? I mean, what in the actual Frankie? “I’m all about girl power, but… what does El Quatro mean?” See, I told you Nicole was going to be a hoot. If these girls were going to name themselves after a razor, why did they go with Quatro? They should have named themselves after a girl razor like Venus. Right?
Head of Household Competition: “Go Fly A Kite”
This one’s pretty straightforward. The houseguests are all standing atop a rotating beam while holding onto a rope that’s attached to a kite. If they fall off the beam or let go of the rope, the kite will fall and crush the sandcastle that is adjacent to each houseguest. Last one standing wins. Easy peasy.
Paola’s the first on to go, which… yes. Thank you. Then Joey drops, a few seconds after they play a sound clip of her talking about her bad balance. Nobody drops the next second, so Big Brother gets impatient and sprays “sun screen” all over the houseguests. Someone (I think it was either Nicole or Donny) says something along the lines of “It’s getting slippilly” which… let’s just leave it alone. They’re under an enormous amount of pressure, as evidence by Nicole dropping right afterward. They’re starting to get tired. STOP! Hammer time. Put your thang down flip it and reverse it. The beam’s spinning backwards now, and Donny drops. And Devin drops. And Cody drops. It’s down to Amber and Frankie. All the ladies are secretly (and not so secretly) rooting on Amber because El Quatro, but Amber’s worried. Julie hinted earlier that, for the first time in Big Brother history, the Head of Household might not be safe from eviction. With this in mind, Amber throws the competition. In fact, she actually throws the throwing of the competition, because man, that didn’t look like an accident at all. So Frankie Grande is the first HoH of the summer. Ariana would be so proud! Looks like both of the Grande’s will be #1 this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BARRRFFFFFF
Let’s Twist Again:
Julie’s finally telling the houseguests the unexpected things they should expect this season. Or at least some of them. There is a second set of eight houseguests and there will be a second Head of Household. “By the end of the week, only 1 HoH will be left standing.” Frankie’s not looking too good. Is he going to cry? I think he’s going to cry. All she said was that only 1 HoH will be left standing. That doesn’t mean one of them is going to for sure be voted out, it just means that before the week is up, one of them won’t be HoH anymore, which makes sense knowing that HoH’s aren’t safe from eviction anymore. You can win and still be put up. What I’m interested to know is if they’ll be competing in separate groups all summer or if there are going to be multiple challenges. It’s almost as if they’ve brought the tribe dynamic from Survivor into Big Brother. Oh, and there’s one more twist the houseguests don’t know about yet – it’s called “Team America”. America votes on who’s going to be involved in a secret, three-person alliance. Each week they’ll be given secret missions that Julie promises will change the course of the game. That could be interesting or a complete nightmare. In fact, it’ll be even more interesting if it IS a complete nightmare. I will feel bad for those players, however.
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Well, that’s it for part one of the premiere. Remember when I said these were going to be shorter and more concise? Whoops. Don’t worry, I’m going to get sick of writing in a week. They WILL get shorter. Enjoy this while it lasts. See you tomorrow.