And we’re back! Not too late, right? We’re doing okay so far. Let’s not waste any time.
First Impressions Part 2:
Victoria – She’s an Orthodox Jew who was raised in Israel, but she doesn’t dress like it, OBVY!! Victoria thinks she’s all that. She finds it easy to manipulate guys because Victoria gets what Victoria wants! Oh, and she loves shoes. OBVY!
Caleb – Caleb describes himself as an ex-military metrosexual hunting country boy. YIKES.
Brittany – Super hot. Just got out of a 10-year marriage. She’s got 3 kids. Super hot.
Christine – Hey, it’s the nudist barista. Apparently she’s attracted to short, hairy, chubby men… girls like that exist? Or are all girls like that… like her? Because if so… I’m okay with them not existing.
Derrick – Yo, WHAT UP 22 Jump Street! Seriously, he’s an undercover cop who has looked for drugs at colleges! AMAZING! Early front runner for favorite real-life person.
Zach – Unemployed. Hangs out. Plays golf. HUGE DOUCHE. “I don’t need friends because all I care about is myself. They serve me no purpose.” HOLY SHITE! His list of people he hates includes “people who breath” and “people who are alive”. And yet, he says he’s lying every time he opens his mouth. So does that mean that Zach really loves people and is maybe just turning his inner loneliness into outward hate?
Jocasta – Oh no. Jocasta is a preacher woman. She’s gunna make it all the way to the end because she’s got Jesus on her side. Ooooh Jocasta. That is sooooo not how it works! She said that she has done a lot of things and that she has… done a lot of people? Does that mean sex? Did she just say men AND women? Oh boy, this will be interesting.
Hayden – Hayden’s a typical looking surfer dude who doesn’t surf. He’s a goofy, pedicab driver who’s going to try to win people over with laughs and friendship. Not a bad plan. Everyone underestimates him because of his outward appearance and personality, but he made the Dean’s List (so important I capitalized it!) in high school! What an accomplishment! I’m sure he’ll win!
Dear Friends, Once More:
Caleb, Jocasta, Hayden, and Christine are the first to enter the house. Caleb immediately notices Amber and explains that “she’s taking a big bite of my cake right now”, whatever the hell that means. Meanwhile, Hayden seems to be under the impression that everyone in the house is a celebrity. I mean, the Devin/Rock comparison I get, but Amber is Whitney Houston? Cody is Tom Cruise? What? Victoria, Zach, Derrick, and Brittany enter next. Zach is SUCH an asshole. Guh. Victoria sees Frankie, and it’s love at first pink. He’s got pink hair and she’s got a pink dress, and obviously pink is their favorite colour!!! OMG BBBF4LYFE!!! Nicole has already forgotten everyone’s names. She’s really upset that the chemisty is already changing. Well yeah Nicole, you just added a group of strangers to a group of acquaintances. The chemistry in these situations tends to shift. I like Brittany because she is immediately in game mode. Good for her. The new eight feel like they’re on a different team than the original eight, so it definitely looks like we’re getting a kind of Survivor tribe feel to this season. It’ll be interesting to see if that plays out at all.
Time for group introductions. Jocasta’s up first and Paola is not down with having a minister in the house. Pow Pow don’t think Jocasta’s ready for the lying and the nakedness. Victoria’s looking around at all the women and thinking “They’re hot, but I’m hotter!” Okay. Whatever Victoria. Christine’s up and Joey is swooning. “TRIPLE SHOT AMERICANO PLEASE!” Zach is up. Fuck Zach. Derrick’s not telling the others that he’s a police officer because, you guessed it, he doesn’t want people to know that he’s got a huge advantange in the game. His advantage? POLICE CAN TELL WHEN PEOPLE ARE LYING! Which is why America has no crime! Charlie don’t surf and neither does Hayden. Donny’s completely lost. What are names? Brittany’s up and Cody is DIGGING it. You can’t tell him that 3 kids came out of that body. Nice Cody. Derrick’s a hunting god. Frankie’s worried that the country boy will be a super conservative who doesn’t “get” him. NICE JUDGEMENT FRANKIE! HE’S A METROSEXUAL, SO YEAH, HE “GETS” YOU! #BB16 CAUSE THERE ARE 16 OF THEM AND IT IS SEASON 16!!!
So Frankie and Victoria are getting along quite nicely. Because… Victoria is Jewish and, well… Frankie has Jewish friends? It’s mostly the pink thing. Frankie has decided that Victoria’s the Jewish horse he wants to hitch his wagon to. He’s also decided that Victoria needs to win the HoH so they can… be roomies? Looks like we’re getting a new alliance… How about we call them… “Pinky and the Vain”. OH. MY. GOSH. YES. I am SO GOOD. Let’s talk about Pow Pow. She’s sitting there, dissecting Caleb. And man is she a bitch. Everyone’s being nice, but she’s very straight up, you know? And Caleb’s being all “Yeah, you know, me too.” Apparently he reads people really well. Well can you read that Pow Pow is the WORST? Pow Pow’s worried because “Caleb’s cocky, Caleb’s a beast, Caleb’s intense.” She thinks he’s going to try to knock the other big ego in the house, which is, of course, Paola. HOLY SHIT DONNY CAN DO A CRICKET NOISE!!!! Donny’s not just whistling to whistle, he’s, uh… “distractin’ ‘em”. Donny wants people to think he’s funny, not that he’s good at the game. Fair enough Don Don. Can I call you Don Don? I swear, if you play this game well, we’re calling you “Donny Corleone”. But that probably won’t happen. Brittany and Derrick are bonding over their children, which is cool I guess. I’d rather see that then whatever the hell Frankie and Zach are doing. Zach says that Frankie is the most Broadway person he has ever seen. Zach is such an asshole. “What’s Mama Mia?” Zach is SUCH an asshole. Frankie thinks that it might not be a great idea to piss off the HoH on the first day. Oh PLEASE put him up Frankie. PLEEEAASSSEEEE.
Head of Household Competition: “Over The Coals”
Another super straightforward HoH competition. The houseguests are situated on a large BBQ spit. It spins. They hold on. If you fall in the fire, you’re chances of winning go “up in flames”. Nice. Let’s begin.
Things are uneventful pretty early on. Someone shouts “Go Christen! CHRISTINE!” She responds with “It’s okay, I know what you meant.” How gracious of you Christine. Maenwhile, Donny’s going on about how if they had money, they could gamble. Way to contribute Donny. BB16 MVP. Someone on the spit goes “How’s our butts look?” The observing houseguests answer with “Their butts look nice” and “Look at all those nice lookin’ tushies.” Joey thinks Caleb has the best heiny. Butt. Bum. Ass. Tush. Heiny. Rump. Rear. Trunk. Kaboose. Ba-donk-a-donk. Moving on.
Victoria drops. She’s the first one out, much to Frankie’s chagrin. He then goes on about how he needs to figure out who else he would want to work with which is not true at all since you have absolutely no agency here buddy. You’ll work with whoever you have to work with. This isn’t “Choose Your HoH”. Time to spray everyone with some kind of liquid called “BBQ sauce”. Brittany drops. Jocasta’s all “Jesus, Jesus” before she drops as well. Christine’s not looking good. She drops next. There are only guys left. Zach’s another one of those “I don’t want to win because it puts a target on my back” guys so he pulls an Amber and throws it in the most obvious way possible. 22 Jump Street looked good earlier on but he drops. He’s satisfied though, because he didn’t want to win, yet he has still proven that he’s a strong player. Whatever.
Hayden and Caleb are the only two left. This spit keeps stopping and starting. It has now stalled with the two hanging onto the side. Caleb’s “in it to win it” and doesn’t care if that puts a target on his back. Nicole thinks Hayden and Caleb look like blood-covered zombies from a horror movie, but at least they’re not GHOSTS, right?!?! Caleb’s a beast. Everyone keeps talking about it. He’s not going anywhere. Hayden drops. Caleb is the second HoH. He tells Hayden that he’s safe, although I’m not sure how much that means at this point in the game. Frankie says he wants to work with Caleb. Yeah, no shit Frankie. Devin also wants to work with Caleb. Also, so does EVERYONE, except for Pow Pow, who feels threatened.
Twistin’ Time Is Here:
It’s time for part two of the big twist. Julie tells the houseguests that there will be 2 HoH’s every week. Each one will nominate 2 houseguests for eviction which means that there will be a total of 4 nominees. Afterwards, there will “The Battle of the Block”. Each set of 2 nominees will battle the other. The winning due is safe and their victory dethrones the HoH who nominated them. Holy. Shit. So now when you nominate 2 people, you’re taking a huge risk nominating 2 strong players because they could turn around and put your ass up. Yikes. Amber seems to think that this new rule doubles her chances of going home and I’m struggling to figure out where she’s getting that math from. If 2 people go up, each one has a 50% chance of going home. If 4 people go up, they’ve only got a 25% chance of going up. After the Battle of the Block, each nominee still only has a 33% chance of going home. So… this is actually kind of better? Anyways, we finally have our first Team America member – Joey. For each mission Team America accomplishes, they get $5000. Not bad. Any thoughts on who the next two will be? For some reason I feel like Frankie’s going to end up there. I hope #3 is Donny. That would just be… yes. Very good. But maybe it’ll be Caleb, so two thirds of Team America can ride each other around the house exclaiming “You’re so strong. My God, you’re like a bull.”
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And there you have it! 16 houseguests. 2 Head of Households. ONE SUMMER OF TWISTS! The fun is just getting started, so stick around, won’t you?
PS. Just so you know, I’m away at a wedding this weekend, so Episode 3 won’t be up until Tuesday at the earliest. But that just means you’re going to be getting even more blogs in a shorter amount of time! Probably. Maybe. NO GUARANTEES!