Blog Brother Season 3 – Episode 5: I Need a Bulge or Something

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Can you believe it? 5 episodes in and I’m only a day behind! This has to be a new record!

The House Always Wins:

“Joey had a new alliance… WITH THE CHOPPING BLOCK!” Great line Big Brother announcer. Joey tells Caleb that he made a big mistake, because it’s not what the house wanted. Joey, you’re aligned with NO ONE. Pow Pow has decided to lay low this week and let Joey self-destruct, which is probably a wise move. Joey needs seven votes to stay and she was born on February 7th, so CLEARLY it’s a sign. Oh Joey. Joey’s really good at campaigning. Here’s her pitch: “Will you keep me?” Nice. NICE. Great job. Devin’s trying to make it a unanimous vote so that there’s no suspicion of an alliance. He tells Amber and Victoria that the house has to vote as one because whoever goes against the house is the target next week. Is that a threat? Victoria certainly thinks so. Devin. Stop. Trying. To. Run. The. Whole. Game. It’s the first week. There is a loooonnnngggg summer ahead of you. I should know, I’m blogging about it. Zach’s also with them and Devin asks him who he’s voting for. Zach’s mad because “I’M IN YOUR ALLIANCE BRO! WHY YOU ASKIN’ ME WHO I’M VOTIN’ FOR? WHY YOU PUTTIN’ ME ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT?” What an idiot. And Devin continues. He’s talking to Christine. He’s talking to Frankie. He’s talking to everyone. And everyone hates him for it, but everyone’s just nodding and not saying anything. Ugh. Joey’s pleading with Christine, but Christine tells her that Devin and Caleb are running the house, and everyone’s afraid of upsetting them, so whatever they say goes. Joey wants to know what everyone is so afraid of. Eviction maybe? Now Joey’s approaching Za-I mean, The DOUCHE! Now Joey’s campaigning hard. She tells The Douche that she’s a better competitor and she can do a better job of keeping him safe than Victoria can. The Douche gives her the same line Christine did – don’t vote against the house. You mean Caleb and Devin? “Yeah”. Everyone’s voting one way, but The Douche reassures Joey that it’s possible one of them will have a change of heart and decide to keep her. I bet she feels reassured now, thanks The Douche. Things are looking bleak for Joey.

Joey decides that being a feminist, she needs to do something big and crazy to stay in the house. HAHAHA, Joey’s dressed up like a man and she’s running around the house yelling at people. “EITHER YOUR VOTE’S GOING TO ME OR IT’S GOING TO THE PEOPLE YOU’RE AFRAID OF! AND IF YOU’RE AFRAID OF THEM NOW, YOU’LL BE AFRAID OF THEM FIVE DAYS FROM NOW! Go out, go with a bang! I’m a man dude! I need a bulge or something. Can I use your glove?” Meet Alex, Joey’s “alter ego”. The manliest man there is. Now she’s working out. Bad form. Real bad form. At least Donny’s impressed. “Those weights. Those were the heavy weights too!” Well, it probably won’t work, but at least it’s entertaining. As ridiculous as this is, some people are realizing that she actually has a point. Except for Pow Pow. She thinks Joey’s crazy and she’s reveling in it. Uh oh, now it’s Devin’s turn to be attacked. He’s hiding in the HoH room.

 

I Can’t Make You Love Me:

Oh no. Caleb’s super into Amber. Like… SUPER into Amber. “She’s the kind of girl I would want to wait until marriage with.” “Maybe God brought me here because of her.” Oh no. Caleb’s sitting down with Amber and telling her how he feels. He can’t even get it out. He keeps giggling. He thinks she’s gorgeous. He watches her reading her Bible. He feels this vibe between them. Oh. OH. OHHH! I’M SQUIRMING! I CAN’T EVEN. “There’s this certain way that you look at me throughout the day.” UH. UH. “You look at me a lot. Am I wrong?” UH. ABORT. ABORT. DANGER WILL ROBINSON! Amber looks totally lost. She says that it’s news to her. Oh man. I can’t. I just… THIS IS THE MOST AWKWARD THING IN THE UNIVERSE. Caleb sounds so upset. Amber’s not at all into him, but Caleb’s not going to give up. This could get even worse.

 

Live Eviction:

It’s time for the first live eviction of the summer. As always, each nominee gets to plead their case to their fellow houseguests.

Joey’s speech is first. “You guys just picked random numbers. You might be on a team or you might be paired up with one person out of this group. Make sure that person is mentally and physically strong. I love Paola, but I think I am physically stronger and mentally stronger (she is amazing and she is probably smarter in a lot of things that I’m not), but when it comes to this game I think I’m really strong. I’m a good pick to keep in the house. I love this experience, I love all of you guys regardless, but pick me, keep a strong person in the pool, and I love you all and this experience rocks. Thank you Julie.” Yikes.

Paola’s up next. “Well, thanks Joey for saying that I suck at competitions, but I would like to thank all my houseguests for being my friend because you guys are all awesome and I love all of you. I hope that you guys keep me in this game because I would love to keep sharing my positive energy and my funness and I might suck at competitions but I do have a big heart and I do now that I still have a lot of fight in me. So I love you guys. Thank you Julie!” Time to vote.

 

Caleb – HoH

Paola – Nominated

Joey – Nominated

 

Devin – Joey

Derrick – Joey

Frankie – Joey

Cody – Joey

Zach – Joey

Brittany – Joey

Nicole – Joey

Christine – Joey

Victoria – Joey

Jocasta – Joey

Hayden – Joey

Amber – Joey

Donny – Joey

Joey Van Pelt Evicted

Paola: 0/13

Joey: 13/13

Well, so much for Team America. Not a surprising outcome by any means. Still… CBS must be fuming over this outcome. They lost their feminist liberal secret alliance member. Joey looked a little surprised. Really Joey? At least there are a lot of tears from the women in the house. Sounds like Joey’s biggest disappointment is how reluctant everyone was to rock the boat and play the game. There’s some merit to the entire “it’s too early” idea. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m with her. I like it when people make big game moves, but you can’t do that in the first week. It’s impossible. You just don’t know enough about what’s going on. It’s too bad Joey’s gone. She had a good personality for this. Time for goodbye messages. Frankie loves Joey but thinks she wasn’t ready for this game. Pow Pow’s happy that it was Joey and not her. Nicole loved Alex. Caleb reveals the existence of the Bomb Squad. Joey’s not surprised that there was an alliance. Joey’s guessing that Amber and Jocasta are the members. Then she guesses Paola. Wrong again! Julie reveals to her that one of the housemates was an undercover cop and one was the brother of a very famous pop star. What a tease Julie. Then she rubs it in Joey’s face that she’s no longer a member of Team America. Ouch.

So… here’s something weird. I was wondering how they were going to do this double HoH thing. Apparently there will be 2 HoH competitions, meaning the house will be split into two. This week one competition is between women and one is between men, but it’ll be interesting to see how they split them later on or if they’ll continue to go by gender. Maybe there won’t be two competitions every week. Who really knows?

 

Head of Household Competition: “BB Rager”

It’s Greek Week in the Big Brother house. There are seven platforms connected to seven other platforms with a balance beam. The seven houseguests are one side and the platforms on the other side have a stack of six kegs. The houseguests cross the balance the balance beam and carry the kegs over to the other side, one by one. If you fall or drop a keg, you’re out of the competition. Once you’ve moved all six to the other side, you cross once more and hit a buzzer. First person to do so wins the competition. The guys on the balcony above the competition can throw Frisbees at the women. Nasty.

Christine, Amber, and Brittany are out to an early lead with one barrel each. Now Nicole has one. Amber, Brittany, and Christine all have two now. Paola has just got her first. This is really hard to blog about you guys. I’m paying more attention to my computer than the screen and I have no idea who has what. I’m just typing what Julie says. Amber’s got four now. Brittany drops her keg and is eliminated from the competition. Looks like Amber has transported her last keg. She crosses the beam and buzzes in. Didn’t look like anyone else was even close. Christine had just dropped off her fifth keg. So Amber is the first Head of Household. Too bad Caleb is incapable of winning again. How awkward/fun would that be?

The rules are the same for the boys competition. Hayden’s first with one barrel. Derrick drops a barrel, which means he’s done. They’ve all got one down. Now they’ve all got two, except for Zach. Hayden’s got three. This is so stupid. Why am I even doing this? This is not interesting to read. Hayden, Devin, Frankie, and forget it. They’ve all got some amount of barrels. Hayden gets six kegs and he FALLS! Cody ends up winning it. Or… not? Julie just said that they need to review the tape because there might have been a foul? What?

So it looks like Cody fouled. His foot hit the ground before he hit his button. That means that Devin is the new HoH! Whoa. Ugh, Paola’s squeaky voice is so annoying.

World Police:

YES! DONNY IS THE NEW MEMBER OF TEAM AMERICA! WOOOOOOOO!!!! This is the best choice. This is the right choice. “I think I pluralized America, I’m sorry”. He’s very happy and a little emotional! DONNY’S SO GREAT! Wait, they just said “Which houseguests do you want to be the final two members of Team America?” Sooo… there are still going to be three members. They’ll bring in two more next week. Interesting.

– – –

Well, that was eventful. And it was just the first week! It is going to get exponentially more crazy from here on out people, so don’t miss out on a single episode of BLOOOOGGGG BROTHER!!!!

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